Friday, July 29, 2005

Job update

That's job as in work, not Job as in the bible book. Although sometimes it feels like that. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, new job. I started my orientation and it is going well. I think this will work out well, you never know. Bringing in a check will be nice. The kids are handling it well, although my daughter keeps calling me, when will I be home, can she have a star crunch, watch a movie, call her friend, etc. I put my phone on buzz as it was getting embarassing. This is a very low energy job and that's fine. I do not find myself a very high energy person lately. I don't know that I have ever found myself high energy. Bouncy people are fun to watch for a while but they tire me out, they are always trying to engage me and I don't neccesarily want to be engaged. I'm the one someone is always trying to drag on some ride, on to the dance floor, or some other adventure. Harumph. It's not that I don't enjoy doing stuff but some of what I enjoy is observing, then if I feel like it I may go ahead. I don't like feeling pressured. I am an INFJ, and that does not mean that I am antisocial, but I don't jump in feet first. Cheerleaders can be so annoying, so cheerful, sometimes I wonder do they realy feel like that all the time? Don't they have any other setting? Do they think everyone else is as excited about everything as they are? Why does everything they say seem to have an exclamation point after it? Are they punctuationally challenged? Am I? Just kidding. Anyhoo, it is going well and I will start actually doing work next week. We are settling down a bit from the frenzy most of this month has been. August should be more calm and quiet. A good time to start a new job.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


We had a car accident yesterday. Everyone is ok, just kind of bumped around and bruised, no apparant injuries. My air bag deployed, boy, isn't that fun? Stinky too. Luckily, my boobs blocked it from hitting any anything vital. Now of course they feel faintly reminicent of the first few days after you've given birth and your milk starts to come it, and you feel like you have 2 anvils attached to your chest wall. Not quite as bad as that, but close. Oy vay.

The last time I had an accident a bike hit me. I've never really had a big bang up accident. The kids were freaked out a bit, but they calmed down. We'll see if they will ride anywhere with me again. I wonder if I want to drive with me. Not that i have anything to drive really, just the old Suburban. The new suburban is in the shop getting a transmission. The old suburban really just needs to die a good death in some junk yard. Well, it runs, that's more than I can say for the minivan now. We just bought that in November. If it's totaled, we'll get a smaller beep beep car, if it's not, then we'll have the same car we had, with some new improved features.

Heavy sigh. I know it will get better. All things work for good for those who love God, for those who are teh called, according to his purpose. I have John 16:33 taped above my desk, "these things have I spoken to you, that you might have peace. In this world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world!" I like how it says you SHALL, not you might or you may. But Jesus is such the eternal optomist, what a sunny disposition, be of good cheer, I win! Ok, I'll try.

We were helped home by a very kind lady in another minivan who gave us a lift home, who lives in the area we live in. She was very sweet and very optomistic too. God seems to always send people miy or our way when we need it, to help. Sometimes in little ways and sometimes in big ways. I don't think I ever feel completely alone. I am grateful for that.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

New Job

Well, things are looking as if I will need to get a job and I think I found just the one. It is with a local agency that works with disabled folks and at risk youth. They need a nurse that can help accompany disabled adults to community based activities. It's really low key and hours are from 8-12 in the mornings. The pay kind of sucks for me being an RN, but that is because technically it's an LPN position. I don't mind tho, due to the hours I won't have to pay day care and that means more money in the pocket. I think I've got it, just have to pass the pee test. That ought not be a problem. I wish I could stay home but we needs zee moneee.

I really did try to make work on one income, and it was really close, but a few unexpected events were just too much for our budget to handle, and voila, under the bus we go. I hate that. My mom lectures me about how we need to save, and we try but there just never seems to be any left over when we're done. I know, put the savings away first. But then we need to use for something and it never gets saved.

It never seems to matter how much or how little we make, we spend it. I know it's not a cash flow problem, it's a problem with us, I just don't know how to change it. According to spiritual advice, we ought to start tithing, that would set things right. Maybe it would, I believe in that, but we don't agree, and it doesn't work if we don't agree. Then it becomes one more financial stress. It's not a budget thing, I can budget with the best of them, we just don't follow it. Every person I know who does ok with money just says, with no clue why this is a problem, well just don't spend so much. It's kind of like telling my husband who smokes, well, just don't smoke, or telling someone with anger management problems, well, just don't get angry. It's easy to say if you don't smoke or don't have an anger management problem, harder to do. I don't know.

God says he has grace for every need, and I know he wants us to be prosperous, so I know this is an area of healing he will help us with, I just don't know what we need to do. I want to be a good steward of what he has given us. I am looking forward to the day when we do find healing in that area of our lives.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

I love lavender. Found this in NW Washington State Posted by Picasa

Summer breeze....

We got back from the coast yesterday, it was beautiful. The weather in town was in the 90's I hear, and we had a soft sometimes brisk breeze, 70's, sun and some silence. The kids went to camp, and we stayed at the beach. I slept so good there, for the first time in a long time with no help. I actually got tired and everything. This is a good thing. The kids come home tomorrow. I got my first call from camp today, daughter is not feeling well. This is a usual occurance. She often has some complaint. We assess for how severe it is and usually have her tough it out. It seems to me that my kids have little capacity to endure phsical distress, even a little. They are getting better abou the hungries but it seems sometimes as if they really do believe that they should never be uncomfortable on any level, and if they are I should make it go away immediately. I am not sure how that happened, I don't remember being that way as a kid, but maybe I just forgot. I think learning to deal with some discomfort is a good thing. They really don't agree, but oh well. It's one of those life lessons that you learn eventually whether you want to or not.

I have a friend who I adore but who seems to be one of those people who never has a good word to say. I know she has had a tough life and has lived through some things that can really scar you. I cut her slack because of that, but what gets me is that it's funny how some folks can be so tough about somethings and yet so vulnerable about others. She has had to develop ways of dealing with the world, yet I don't think I can just say "gee, why don't you ever have anything nice to say" because I think it would hurt her. She doesn't seem to be depressed, it's just that in every situation, she talks about how bad this is and how someone is such a jerk and so on. It brings me down to be around. I try to assume that the best is going to happen, to keep a positive spin on things, to see the best not the worst. Maybe folks who have had a lot of bad things happen don't get too optimistic so they won't get disappointed. Maybe it's a defense. I try to offer another way of seeing a situation to help give another perspective, but that is kind of tiring. She is sucha strong person and I really respect her for that, for the things she has accomplished in life, which is considerable. I just would wish for her a more positive, hopeful view of the world.

Last but not least, this falls under the heading of "why do people do what they do and don't ya hate it when....". I hate it when (it's a girl thing I'm sure, guys probably don't worry about this) in public restrooms, rather than just flushing the toilet by hand, people use their foot, presumably to avoid germs. So I reach back to flush and the handle is filthy with the crud from the floor, and I think to myself, that is the grossest thing I have ever seen. 1- why not just use a piece of toilet paper to cover your hand, 2- how is the floor crud which we KNOW is filthy any better for the next person than your hand you wiped with, which may or may not be filthy? 3- Can't you just wash your hand when you are done, no one ever dies in the intervening few minutes between touching the handle and washing your hands?

This is as bad as the girls who are afraid to let their butts touch the seat, for fear of aquiring some nasty, so they pee sitting a few inches above the seat and guess what? Yes, they pee all over the seat, for the next person to clean up. I really do not believe that you will actually catch anything off the seat, that's an old wives tale. Anything I might come in contact with can't be any worse than the pee I have to wipe off each time, that's disgusting. As a nurse, I am well aware of germ theory and infection control, but all this crud just makes it worse, not better. You are just as likely to get a germ off a doorknob or handle as a toilet, more likely actually. I have heard other nurses absolutley aghast that I don't take all these precautions myself, as if I should know better, I am amazed at how paranoid some people are. I guess I am not paranoid because I know just how dirty the world we live in is, and if it hasn't killed me yet, it isn't likely to. My immune system is in good repair and my skin is intact, why should I be afraid, any more than going into a grocery store or Dr office? Do we really think that silly paper thingy off the wall is going to keep out anything? Girls, get a backbone, use your heads and stop making the world icky for everyone else!

Saturday, July 16, 2005

More musings from the edge

I remember way back when, almost as long as I can remember being able to think of such things, I used to obssess about dying. I didn't consider it morbid, not gory, just what would people say and think and how would thier lives change after I was gone and generally just think about this, alot. I really don't know why, and I guess it is kind of morbid when you think about it. I would run through all these scenarios in my head. I didn't really think about what would happen to me, because frankly, I just didn't know and it seems silly to worry about what you don't know. I remember at one point worrying that I had cervical cancer (it runs in my family), the worry got worse and worse until I finally just went in to get checked and found I actually had early stage dysplasia which means that the cells had changed slightly and could progress. They took care of it and it has never reoccurred since. I don't know if it was the worry causing the problem or my body trying to tell me something.

So I have this history, not only of being kind of a ruminative person, but of ruminating about death and dying. I know one thing, when I took the step of reaching out to God, that changed. It's not that I am not still ruminative, I am and I actually have to train myself to stop it because it really messes with your mood and thoughts, but what changed was that death just wasn't a worry anymore. It was as if what was this big unknown, blank wall of I have no idea, was gone. I know I am going to die someday, my body will certainly, but I also know that there is a part of me that will never die and that there is a God who exists, who is real. I know that no matter how bad anything gets for me, I am not alone and I am not forgotten.

I see the emptiness and despair in people around me who have no hope of any kind really except what they can produce for themselves. Life has a way of letting you know that you are not in charge, that you never have been and that you are not up to the task. No one is really. Going it alone is the lonlinest, scariest, most despair producing task in the world. It produces empty people, who try desperately to beat back the fear and despair, or deny it is there, but they can't. I know that the only thing that answers that is God. No religious system really answers it because it isn't about what we do, it's not following a set of rules or completing certain tasks. It is about a relationship with the one who created you, really the only one who can make any sense of our existence, no matter what meaning we try to wring out of it individually.

Some of the most unhappy people I have ever encountered are the lost, seeking for something they don't even know. Even when they are successful in life, there is an emptiness. Not to say being a Christian is always happy all the time, I have had my share of problems and struggles, but in the time since I met God, I have always had hope. I remember that as a defining moment. When I realized God was real, suddenly, there was no longer any room for the worry that might not be true. If God is real than so many things matter. It means he made me, it means I am not alone, it means I have a purpose and my life matters. It means I can't go through life pretending he doesn't exist. It makes me accountable.

Now if I didn't know he was good that could be scary, because I have made so many mistakes. The most important thing was the realization he is good. Not good like us, we are so flaky and unreliable. He is good all the time, and he is the source of good. We know what good is because he is that standard. God is good and he loves me. That makes all the rest of the crap that happens in life bearable. I guess that the knowledge of that is a gift. I wish that I could make everyone able to know that, but I can't, they have to find it for themselves. People can point the way but God does the heart work.

We are off on vacation for a few days so good weekend and good week to all, GOD BLESS YOU!!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

What's new

Nothing much, really. All kids are back home and settling in for another week, next week they are off to summer camp for a week. Mom and Dad get a little break. I look forward to this every year, not because I don't enjoy their company but because everyone just gets so cranky and close quarterd in the summer. I don't know why this is, I try to get the kids ot just go outside and play but evidently this is a foreign concept, they don't know what to do. Granted, there isn't lots to do in our immediate yard but I don't remember that ever stopping me when I was a kid, we found someone elses yard to play in.

We have a free movie thing at the local cinema in the summer, a good deal (free is a very good price). The movies are, of course, kids movies but still, a movie is a movie and it's always fun to go out and watch. This week was Jonah, aVeggie Tales movie, and Cinderella Story, the kids wanted to watch Jonah. I love Veggie Tales. you'd think it would be inane, but they manage to make it cute and funny and not overly saccharine, like the Pokemon crap that gets shoved at them. I even like the songs.

I think tomorrow is going to be a raspberry pickin day, if all goes well. Then evening church. Thursday is a vague blob down the road, I don't know what we'll do, maybe fish. We tried last week with no luck, but instead of the kiddie pond maybe we'll go on the actual reserviour (sp??). At some point we have to actually pack for camp, but, not today.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

What a wonderful world

I am saddened by the news from London. God bless those who made it and comfort the families and loved ones of those who didn't. I know that there will be those who will point fingers and say "see, it's our fault for being involved where we should not be". As if trying to help a country is a bad thing. Our soldiers in Iraq are trying to build schools, hospitals and infrastructure, the reason it's not in place already is that the idiots who don't want that are blowing them up as fast as they are built. And then these same people turn around and say that we aren't making progress! Well, duh? I have to wonder, how stupid do they think the world is? Is it not obvious that they are the ones standing in the way? They blow up innocent people on buses, buildings and planes and yet we are evil? I am certain there will be mass protests across the world for those people who can't stomach the murder, but apparantly can stomach the murderers. Get out of Iraq, don't get involved, it's wrong! How many of those protests will protest the bombing and murder of those on the London subway none of whom were killing Iraqi's? How much more effective if those who protest were protesting the killing of Iraqi's by their own insurgents? Who are the bad guys? It's like Alice through the looking glass sometimes, up is down, right is wrong and nothing is what it seems.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I am getting way to domestic. I made two cakes today. Not one, not me, no way. There was a good reason, I needed 8 (count them) 8 egg yokes for the yellow cake that my husband saw Alton Brown make, and darn it, if he can do so can I. I had 3 egg whites left over from the key lime pie I made Sunday for the BBQ, so it only made sense to make an angel food cake with all those egg whites. Except I have never made one, not from scratch and not from a box. I don't have the right pan either. I have a bundt pan but not a tube cake pan. All that being said, I did it. And it was good. Hee hee hee, mad giggling ensues. It was really good. I frosted it with orange glaze. The yellow cake got a bit over done on the bottom but looks fine on top. I am not having as good luck with the frosting on that, I never do cooked frosting and hubby wanted me to do a fancy one, it seems kind of like good fundge gone bad, but well see after it sits in the fridge for a while. Humph, can't win them all can I?
All in a days work. Daughter leaves tomorrow for another beach outing with another friend. She is a busy little bee this summer. Son is doing well on his new meds. Dr started him on Strattera, which is a non stimulant ADHD med. It is funny, he is so much calmer than before. He is doing better and he says he feels a lot better, less edgy, less fidgety. That's the thing that gets me when people wag their fingers at me and tell me how bad it is to medicate your kids for being kids. I don't think they have ever seen a kid suffer from truly being unable to be calm or at peace. I know how it feels to be edgy and irritable, how bad can it be to be that way all the time with no relief? Kids don't want to be medicated just for being kids. My son says he feels better and is glad he is taking the meds. I can see he is calmer and less irritable. It's hard to watch a kid suffer, so irritated they can't stand to be in a room with more than one person talking or the TV on, driven to tears by frustration by the least little difficulty. That can be quite a handicap. Anyhoo, things are better.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Lovely 4th

We had a really nice day yesterday. It was my husbands birthday, well not his actual birthday, that's tomorrow, but the day we celebrated it, at my mom's with a barbeque and corn, watermelon, etc. Then we, the kids and hubby and I, went to the Fort Vancouver fireworks display. Our usual vantage point from Esther Short Park has changed over the years as new condos have gone up and changed the view. It was kind of comic. All these folks were lined up in their lawn chairs along what appeared to be the correct line of sight for the fireworks, as soon as the first one went off everyone picked up and moved about 40 feet to the left in unison, as the explosion occured right behind the beautiful new building slightly to our right. It was ok, we could still see, but the mass shift to the left was cute. That's Portland for you, rapidly shifting to the left. I made kettle corn and brought koolaid for the kids (and big kids). It was a good show. It has been a few years since we went to the Fort show, we used to live over there and it was easy, now it's a drive. Still worth it. God bless America.

Sunday, July 03, 2005


"Do not remember the former things or consider the things of old. Behold I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth, shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert."

I love Isaiah, you can just hear his voice rising and falling, see him raising his arms and gesturing with emphasis as he speaks, he is speaking God's voice, that's what prophets do, they speak out the heart of God.

The imagry of Isaiah and so many other places is making the desolate green, new life where there was death, water to the thirsty etc.

God is a God of new beginnings, we get so stuck in the rut of who we think we are and forget he makes all things new. He takes the broken pieces of our lives and not only puts them back together but makes them as if they were never broken. He set us on a new path and says, ok you are no longer hindered by the stuff that has held you back, you are free to be the person I made you to be, go be.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Is human thought the highest form of achievement for man?

Thus says the Lord:
"Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, nor the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches; but let him that glories glory in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, exercising lovingkindness, judgement and righteousness in the earth for in these I delight," says the Lord."

I don't hear God saying that we should not seek wisdom, wealth or strength, but that we should not glorify those things. Do we have understanding that while these things are not in and of themselves bad, they are not the answer? God commended Solomon for asking for wisdom rather than riches, and he gave him riches anyway as a kudos, but before we think that any of these things are the pinnacle of what we as humans need to find fulfillment, God says the best we can do is seek to know him and understand him.

Whenever I hear someone extolling the greatness of the achievements of human effort and wisdom, this is the scripture that comes to mind. As much as we extoll ourselves, we are just kind of a fart in the wind, cosmically speaking. Shouldn't we glory more in the God who created us in the first place, who made it possible for our minds to achieve what they have? Take God out of the equation and I don't think we would 1) be here, or 2) if we were here, be more than grunting troglodytes banging rocks together. God breathed his spirit into man and man became a living soul. The word in Hebrew "nephesh" implies the living breathing substance or being, the emotional being, activity of the mind, the person if you will. It seems to me that the man may have been living but God gave him the ability to be self aware, gave him the personality from which our creativity and personhood flow.

So, in this I do glory, that God is, that he loves me and that he made me to be like him, for in that I delight. I may seek wisdom, and I wouldn't mind being rich but what I long for is to know God and understand him.

Mission accomplished

I did such a good job on the valve covers yesterday, they look professional (well, they look a lot better than they did). I came away with only minor injuries, one gouge and a bad scrape, you know, power tools. The second time I figured out gloves might be a good idea. Duh. It's so quiet this morning. Em is gone still, Ry is sleeping, husband is sleeping and here I am tapping away. He stays up way too late sometimes, but he always has, poor guy was not built for 9-5, unless that is 9 pm to 5 am. Me, I can go to bed at 9 and be up at 5 just fine. Or Up at 6 or 7, I'm ok either way! Well, there is a lot to do today, Em returns, I have some bread to bake, dishes to do and possible a wedding to attend. Let's hope we get it all done.
God is good and his mercy endures forever.

Friday, July 01, 2005

A new cat toy

Ok, I have to admit, the laughing thing is working. It seems silly to just break out in the giggles, for no apparent reason, it owrks in the car cause no one kows why I am laughing, but it works. I can feel the clouds lifting a little more every day. Yay! I have some flags that I made a while back for worship, just big, pretty blue and purple and gold, it's kind of an exclaimation point to my worship. I like them and my daughter loves to wave them around. Anyway, I can't do too much with them at home because of the ceiling height, one needs a big room, but I can wave them if I am sitting and not standing. so I am trying to wave my flags and sing songs, and my cat decided this must be his lucky day. Mom just pulled out the bigest, bestest cat toys he had ever seen and his eyes got really big and he stands up on top of my computer monitor (that's where he spends a great deal of his time anyway), stands on his hind legs mind you, reaching for the big cat toys. He is very dejected and kind of mad at me right now because I made him get off the flags, did not let him rip them to shreds. Poor kitty.

Samson is a big, rabbit-like grey and white cat with a big, big personality. He is sure that everyone wants to love him, and they will in fact love him, if he just gets in the right position, which is to fling himself in front of them on the floor on his back with his legs up in the air, like a complete goof ball. If you don't scratch his tummy, he figures you just haven't seen him, and he does it again with a little more flair, maybe a big stretch along the floor, hauling himself using his claws across the carpet to follow you. Star, the calico that belongs to my daughter is depressed because her person is gone for a few days. She allows us to pet her for a few minutes but that is it. Mostly she mopes.

I made myself a good new CD of some of my older favorite praise and worship music, Paul Baloche, Darrell Evans, Third Day, the kind of music I want to have running through my head, refge, first love, lead me, open the eyes of my heart etc. There is such good music out there and more available every day. Music can speak out what is in our hearts, in a way just saying it doesn't communicate. God is good, and his mercy endures forever.

We got a new seat for the ugly Suburban that we are working on. It is a bit worn but is better than the moldy seat in the car now. I get to work on valve covers today, if I can get the rust abraded off I get to paint them . I don't mind, assuming the car is unlocked and I can get to the stuff. Otherwise it iwll be a group effort tonight or tomorrow. It involves using power tools so, hey, all the more fun! Vroom!

Oh, yeah lastly, I made some great Bing Cherry Jam yesterday, and froze the rest. We have strawberries, cherries and in a week or so there will be raspberries. I love fresh fruit and it is so nice to enjoy it the rest of the year. Int he fall my mom and I go to Hood River and pick apples, and pears. There is nothing like home made applesauce.

Good week and God's blessings on all.