More musings from the edge

I remember way back when, almost as long as I can remember being able to think of such things, I used to obssess about dying. I didn't consider it morbid, not gory, just what would people say and think and how would thier lives change after I was gone and generally just think about this, alot. I really don't know why, and I guess it is kind of morbid when you think about it. I would run through all these scenarios in my head. I didn't really think about what would happen to me, because frankly, I just didn't know and it seems silly to worry about what you don't know. I remember at one point worrying that I had cervical cancer (it runs in my family), the worry got worse and worse until I finally just went in to get checked and found I actually had early stage dysplasia which means that the cells had changed slightly and could progress. They took care of it and it has never reoccurred since. I don't know if it was the worry causing the problem or my body trying to tell me something.

So I have this history, not only of being kind of a ruminative person, but of ruminating about death and dying. I know one thing, when I took the step of reaching out to God, that changed. It's not that I am not still ruminative, I am and I actually have to train myself to stop it because it really messes with your mood and thoughts, but what changed was that death just wasn't a worry anymore. It was as if what was this big unknown, blank wall of I have no idea, was gone. I know I am going to die someday, my body will certainly, but I also know that there is a part of me that will never die and that there is a God who exists, who is real. I know that no matter how bad anything gets for me, I am not alone and I am not forgotten.

I see the emptiness and despair in people around me who have no hope of any kind really except what they can produce for themselves. Life has a way of letting you know that you are not in charge, that you never have been and that you are not up to the task. No one is really. Going it alone is the lonlinest, scariest, most despair producing task in the world. It produces empty people, who try desperately to beat back the fear and despair, or deny it is there, but they can't. I know that the only thing that answers that is God. No religious system really answers it because it isn't about what we do, it's not following a set of rules or completing certain tasks. It is about a relationship with the one who created you, really the only one who can make any sense of our existence, no matter what meaning we try to wring out of it individually.

Some of the most unhappy people I have ever encountered are the lost, seeking for something they don't even know. Even when they are successful in life, there is an emptiness. Not to say being a Christian is always happy all the time, I have had my share of problems and struggles, but in the time since I met God, I have always had hope. I remember that as a defining moment. When I realized God was real, suddenly, there was no longer any room for the worry that might not be true. If God is real than so many things matter. It means he made me, it means I am not alone, it means I have a purpose and my life matters. It means I can't go through life pretending he doesn't exist. It makes me accountable.

Now if I didn't know he was good that could be scary, because I have made so many mistakes. The most important thing was the realization he is good. Not good like us, we are so flaky and unreliable. He is good all the time, and he is the source of good. We know what good is because he is that standard. God is good and he loves me. That makes all the rest of the crap that happens in life bearable. I guess that the knowledge of that is a gift. I wish that I could make everyone able to know that, but I can't, they have to find it for themselves. People can point the way but God does the heart work.

We are off on vacation for a few days so good weekend and good week to all, GOD BLESS YOU!!!