Ruminate on this

I really do feel better. It's funny, I know that I am loved, that everything is in God's hands and I am not alone. It's such a mind game, worry is imagining that those things aren't true and then acting like they aren't true. If you do it long enough you begin to believe they aren't true. Then nothing makes sense. I had a good meeting with a prayer group at the church I go to, and it really helped me. It's not like they did anything scary or weird, like my husband would say, they didn't swing a dead chicken over their heads and chant, we just prayed and asked God to speak and he did. It just helped me to hear other people say, this is what I hear God say and to know that that is what I hear. I just needed to hear that he loves me. I wasn't trusting my own ability to hear. It's good to know that I can trust that. They made a good point, that feeling like I did could give me a much greater empathy for people who feel like that all the time, it's hard to understand lonliness and despair if you have not felt despair. So thanks God for giving me that. And thanks for loving me.

Phillipians 4:4-8 Rejoice in the Lord, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men, the Lord is near! Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which passes understanding will guard your heart and mind through Christ Jesus. Finally bretheren, whatever things are true,
...noble, ...just, ...pure, ...of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy...meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

My homework, my prescription if you will: I am supposed to learn how to laugh, even if I don't feel like it, so I am trying. Everytime I laugh I cry. I don't know why, it's not that I feel sad, tears just come to my eyes.

Daughter is going to the beach with a friend for the remainder of the week, son is home and enjoying the peace. We are going to go get some fruit to put up today, and maybe fish, if there is time (isn't there always time to fish?). My husband's niece is getting married this weekend, the other niece is getting married in September. The one getting hitched this weekend is a lawyer now. A nice one. I saw baby pics of these girls, they were both gawky kids that are absolutely lovely and graceful young ladies. I pray that both will be blessed.

ready or not

Whew, things have been tough. Not to ignore the considerable attempts of the many people around me who have been wonderful and caring and loving. Still things have been tough. I feel almost guilty that I feel that way, because things could be so much worse, but it must be all about perspective. I am not a terribly anxious person, acute anxiety is very disturbing when you don't spend a lot of time worrying. Mostly things are better, but it's just so easy to begin worrying all over again each time something sets it off. I wonder how people who deal with this day after day do it. I long for the peace that I had before, but I am grateful that in many ways it is so much better.
We had a really good weekend. Each year the local ham radio folks get together for whats called field day. It is a practice emergency communication exercise and a chance to play around with radios and big antennas. I don't usually go but for the day, however we have a trailer now and I have no excuse. The event takes place up on Larch Mountain, for those who aren't from around here, a 4000+ft peak overlooking the Columbia River Gorge. This is a beautiful place and fairly remote, ie 14 miles up a windy road (at least it's paved) that is closed for about 5 months out of the year due to snow. From the parking lot of the visitors area is a steep stepped path that goes for 1/4-1/2 miile straight up to an overlook that sits atop the actual peak of Larch Mt, and gives the hardy hiker a 360 degree view of all the surrounding mountain, the river and everything in between. It's beautiful and breathtaking (not just due to the climb). My son and I walked up there together, ok, he ran ahead and waited for me at the top but I MADE IT. We enjoyed the view, watched birds float below us, butterflies flutter by, and my son wondered that there were plants so high up, and that there was nothing above us but the sky. We looked at the curvature of the earth and atmosphere that you can see from a high elevation and wished that there were just a few less clouds masking the peaks around. Then I stumbled back to camp and rested. I love that climb, it's high enough to be remote but not a killer for even an old lady like me. Later that night the kids got to talk on the radios, contacting people from Texas, CA, FL, Tennessee and lots of other places. Both think they would like to get their license next year so they can be real operators and not just guests. I think that would be nice, it's not a bad skill to have and the hams are a good bunch mostly.
I feel tired and a bit weary, I would like to get past that, I would like to feel the lightness on the inside, instead I feel heavy and weighed down. Yuck, not my thing.
Take care all and God bless you.