life, death, and all that
So, I have been hospicing now for about 2 1/2 months. So far the job is going well. I am finding that it is difficult in some ways, that I have not encountered before. I enjoy the continuity I get with following a case load, although I also enjoyed the relative anonymity I enjoyed when I did home care as an on call nurse. Not to mention the variety. It is nice to go into a home however, knowing ahead of time what to expect. I have to live with my decisions, that can be a bit tough, I get to clean up the mess if things don't go well. That is a bit more stressful than before. I worry a bit more about the people I care for, when I am not working. I pray for them more too, because I know them better. So I guess it is good, I have to be more a grownup about my job, more accountable.
Everyone is different and I am finding out that everyone dies differently. You'd think this would be common sense, but our little brains so want to make sense of things, to find a common thread, a sense of stability in an everchanging world, even in death. What will it look like, how will people feel, what do I do for them? Every family comes with their own challenges and needs. I want people to look neat and tidy, and dying people don't always. They don't. I want them clean and dry, resting comfortably in a clean bed, not thrashing about and sweating, with dry cracked lips and rasping breaths. It does look scary, and what am I to do to help a family not be afraid when I am afraid? I am not afraid of death, but the whole dying thing, that is another matter.
One patient is a young man with a brain cancer. It is tough to watch him die. He is running fevers, has been confused all along. His parent is caring for him, but it is tough, a parent watching a kid die. They want to care for him but there is a fear too. They can't understand why he is taking so long to die. He is othewise young and healthy. He says he is a Christian, professes a faith in God. I am glad for that, it would be tragic if he were not. He is a kidder, a real smart ass, you can tell, even in his stupor. I don't know if it would have been a good thing to have known him healthy, smart asses piss me off, this way I can forgive the attitude. Anyway, it is hard to watch an otherwise healthy young man die. For all their saying they have said their goodbys and are ready, there is too much tragedy not yet expressed in that house.
Another person is an older woman, whom supposedly has dementia, although she seems more psych than confused. She is clear and answers questions readily, but is terrible fearful. I hear she has been fearful all her life, and I can see that. Her eyes are wide and darting, she never takes her eyes off you when you are with her. I move very slowly, and I tell her everything I am going to do, and I ask her permission first, I wait until she says yes. She allows me to care for her, and she allows me to pray for her. I pray that God will ease the anxiety. It is the main thing she is suffering from, and it is one thing we can't really medicate away. We tried giving her risperdal, it was working, she was allowing the caregiver to care for her, she was calm. But she stopped being able to swallow. We had to stop the medication. I guess we can go back to the lorazepam, but it isn't so much good for anxiety, it just makes you sleepy, and anxious. I know. I think that for her prayer is the best I can do.
One of the nurses gave me some books to read about hospice. One is very good, Final Gifts, and I would recommend it to anyone who is caring for a dying person or who just wants to know about dying. One is called How we Die. It is kind of a bummer. The author writes from an exclusively humanistic viewpoint, and I don't know about you, but there is nothing that sucks the life out of.....life..... like an atheist. Supposedly a person derives meaning from living their life the best they can because there is nothing else, and that is supposed to bo comforting. This author goes on about how we build up all these myths and layers to insulate us from the ultimate defeat of death, the nothingness that it entails, but we really need to face reality, death is ugly and final.
Well, gee, thanks Mr. Sunshine. I am sorry that he doe not have a personal relationship with his creator, I hope he gets one before he goes not-so-gently into that good night. I do, and I truly believe that the meaning and purpose of my life does not reside only in the physical life of my flesh, but my spirit is eternal, and the life I lead goes on from there. Death is a gateway, not a grave. I know this because God is eternal and he has allowed me to get to know him, both directly and through his written words. He tells me in his written word that we are made in his image and likeness, that there is a life after this one. Jesus talks about the poor man and the rich man who both die, and where they went. They were conscious after death, they knew where they were and where they were not. What absolute crap, and who is he to make himself an authority on what happens after death? He has watched a lot of people die. That is like saying you have sent a lot of people off on voyages, and because you have stood on the dock and watched them leave, you know something about where they went. Anyway, it is helpful in the sense that is helps me to understand the mechanics of what happens to our bodies when they die, but he oversteps it a bit with his attempts to philosophise. Stick to what you know. Anywho, that is my HUMBLE opinion.
Everyone is different and I am finding out that everyone dies differently. You'd think this would be common sense, but our little brains so want to make sense of things, to find a common thread, a sense of stability in an everchanging world, even in death. What will it look like, how will people feel, what do I do for them? Every family comes with their own challenges and needs. I want people to look neat and tidy, and dying people don't always. They don't. I want them clean and dry, resting comfortably in a clean bed, not thrashing about and sweating, with dry cracked lips and rasping breaths. It does look scary, and what am I to do to help a family not be afraid when I am afraid? I am not afraid of death, but the whole dying thing, that is another matter.
One patient is a young man with a brain cancer. It is tough to watch him die. He is running fevers, has been confused all along. His parent is caring for him, but it is tough, a parent watching a kid die. They want to care for him but there is a fear too. They can't understand why he is taking so long to die. He is othewise young and healthy. He says he is a Christian, professes a faith in God. I am glad for that, it would be tragic if he were not. He is a kidder, a real smart ass, you can tell, even in his stupor. I don't know if it would have been a good thing to have known him healthy, smart asses piss me off, this way I can forgive the attitude. Anyway, it is hard to watch an otherwise healthy young man die. For all their saying they have said their goodbys and are ready, there is too much tragedy not yet expressed in that house.
Another person is an older woman, whom supposedly has dementia, although she seems more psych than confused. She is clear and answers questions readily, but is terrible fearful. I hear she has been fearful all her life, and I can see that. Her eyes are wide and darting, she never takes her eyes off you when you are with her. I move very slowly, and I tell her everything I am going to do, and I ask her permission first, I wait until she says yes. She allows me to care for her, and she allows me to pray for her. I pray that God will ease the anxiety. It is the main thing she is suffering from, and it is one thing we can't really medicate away. We tried giving her risperdal, it was working, she was allowing the caregiver to care for her, she was calm. But she stopped being able to swallow. We had to stop the medication. I guess we can go back to the lorazepam, but it isn't so much good for anxiety, it just makes you sleepy, and anxious. I know. I think that for her prayer is the best I can do.
One of the nurses gave me some books to read about hospice. One is very good, Final Gifts, and I would recommend it to anyone who is caring for a dying person or who just wants to know about dying. One is called How we Die. It is kind of a bummer. The author writes from an exclusively humanistic viewpoint, and I don't know about you, but there is nothing that sucks the life out of.....life..... like an atheist. Supposedly a person derives meaning from living their life the best they can because there is nothing else, and that is supposed to bo comforting. This author goes on about how we build up all these myths and layers to insulate us from the ultimate defeat of death, the nothingness that it entails, but we really need to face reality, death is ugly and final.
Well, gee, thanks Mr. Sunshine. I am sorry that he doe not have a personal relationship with his creator, I hope he gets one before he goes not-so-gently into that good night. I do, and I truly believe that the meaning and purpose of my life does not reside only in the physical life of my flesh, but my spirit is eternal, and the life I lead goes on from there. Death is a gateway, not a grave. I know this because God is eternal and he has allowed me to get to know him, both directly and through his written words. He tells me in his written word that we are made in his image and likeness, that there is a life after this one. Jesus talks about the poor man and the rich man who both die, and where they went. They were conscious after death, they knew where they were and where they were not. What absolute crap, and who is he to make himself an authority on what happens after death? He has watched a lot of people die. That is like saying you have sent a lot of people off on voyages, and because you have stood on the dock and watched them leave, you know something about where they went. Anyway, it is helpful in the sense that is helps me to understand the mechanics of what happens to our bodies when they die, but he oversteps it a bit with his attempts to philosophise. Stick to what you know. Anywho, that is my HUMBLE opinion.
posted by madmom at 10:05 AM
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