Layers upon layers
Well, I was seeking further clarification about the trouble my daughter has been having with her scholastic endeavors, by the way she is now officially 14, yes, 14 years old, and boy is she proud, anyway, as I was saying, I was getting a second opinion about her assessments done by the schools last year to qualify her for special ed. She has a good verbal score on her WISC IV, which is an IQ test they use for assessment and screening purposes. Her other scores were all quite a bit lower. The tester(or is it testor?) attributed the lower scores on everything else to her not trying, non participation. They reported the scores cautiously, because of her level of engagement in the process. However, she had significant deficits in many areas, including perceptual reasoning, working memory, processing speed, and her WIAT scores were all on the lower end also, which shows a discrepancy between her ability, at least verbally, and her actual performance. Since they weren't going to say she had an actual LD, because they didn't think she was really trying, they got her ok'd because of emotional disturbance, and got her into a school for kids with emotional disturbances. While it has been helpful for her to get help in the area of behavior, they have taught her lots of great skills she did nto have before, they are not addressing her academic needs, she is still functioning well below grade level and is not improving. She still has trouble with work completion and says she doesn't feel like she is learning anything. She probably isn't.
On the one hand I am glad to hear that it isn't just about her emotional stuff. We knew about her ADD, but I never felt that emotional disturbance explained all her problems. I keep getting told that the ADD isn't a sufficient excuse to explain why she has such behavioral and attitude problems. I am told she is oppositional. I think she is, although I think that I would be too if I was faced with the hurdles I think she is faced with every day. I think I would be very crabby. I have blogged about her ADD in the past, and have gotten comments such as, you'll just medicate her to fix her, that sort of thing. It shows some ignorance, because the ADD is a biochemical problem, and is reasonable to medicate to correct. If she had Diabetes no one would gripe if she took metformin or insulin. Oh well.
Anyway, this Dr is taking her results at face value, her attitude is that kids don't try to do poorly and they really do care what people think, kids won't fail because they want to, they will make all sorts of excuses such as, it's boring, it's stupid, I don't feel like it, because they can't do what they are being asked to do. Taken at face value her tests show she has a nonverbal learning disability, her left brain is working ok in general with some specific deficits, in reading and writing, but her right brain is not working well, which affects her ability to do math and abstract reasoning, interpreting visual patterns, social cues and skills. She does struggle with many of these areas.
My job now is to get this info to the schools and get her IEP changed to reflect this. I don't know how it will go, they were pretty set in the idea she just wasn't trying and that all her problems are emotionsl, with a little bit of effect from the ADD. The good news is this info will help her get into the right school, we want her to go to Thomas Edison HS. It is one of the few high schools in the country which are specific for kids with learning disabilities. I have a lot to learn also, about how I can help her be the best she can be. It is so weird how different brains can be, how differently they work.
I have to admit, I have failed miserably over the years. I have been so angry with her, so frustrated, I have blamed her for not trying, I have accused her of acting stupid. I have compared her with her brother, and probably made her feel like an idiot. I am so sorry for that. I don't mean tobe that way, I don't want to be that way. I think sometimes, why me? I feel so ill equipped. I never struggled in these ways and I have no frame of reference. I have trouble believing her when she just doesn't get it. I trust that God knows what he is doing and that we are her parents for a reason, but I can't see what that is sometimes. I see people who have the kind of temperment that makes them calm and understanding, they don't get mad at their kids for struggling, failing. I don't say it is right, but it is what it is. I am not glad I feel that way but I recognize that I do feel that way. I have dealt with a lot of judgement over the years, if we just did this, if we just did that, parenting is a hard job, no one said it would be easy. Noone who has raised a special needs kid ought to say that, they should know better. Noone knows how hard it is unless they have done it. No one who has not gone through what we have can say how we ought to be, or feel or act. I have to learn how to just let her be her and not hold her up to the same uncompromising mirror I sometimes hold up to myself. Maybe being her parent is for my benefit more than hers. Maybe I am the one who has to learn from her. In that case, she could have done better, and I feel bad for her, she deserves better than I have been able to give her.
On the one hand I am glad to hear that it isn't just about her emotional stuff. We knew about her ADD, but I never felt that emotional disturbance explained all her problems. I keep getting told that the ADD isn't a sufficient excuse to explain why she has such behavioral and attitude problems. I am told she is oppositional. I think she is, although I think that I would be too if I was faced with the hurdles I think she is faced with every day. I think I would be very crabby. I have blogged about her ADD in the past, and have gotten comments such as, you'll just medicate her to fix her, that sort of thing. It shows some ignorance, because the ADD is a biochemical problem, and is reasonable to medicate to correct. If she had Diabetes no one would gripe if she took metformin or insulin. Oh well.
Anyway, this Dr is taking her results at face value, her attitude is that kids don't try to do poorly and they really do care what people think, kids won't fail because they want to, they will make all sorts of excuses such as, it's boring, it's stupid, I don't feel like it, because they can't do what they are being asked to do. Taken at face value her tests show she has a nonverbal learning disability, her left brain is working ok in general with some specific deficits, in reading and writing, but her right brain is not working well, which affects her ability to do math and abstract reasoning, interpreting visual patterns, social cues and skills. She does struggle with many of these areas.
My job now is to get this info to the schools and get her IEP changed to reflect this. I don't know how it will go, they were pretty set in the idea she just wasn't trying and that all her problems are emotionsl, with a little bit of effect from the ADD. The good news is this info will help her get into the right school, we want her to go to Thomas Edison HS. It is one of the few high schools in the country which are specific for kids with learning disabilities. I have a lot to learn also, about how I can help her be the best she can be. It is so weird how different brains can be, how differently they work.
I have to admit, I have failed miserably over the years. I have been so angry with her, so frustrated, I have blamed her for not trying, I have accused her of acting stupid. I have compared her with her brother, and probably made her feel like an idiot. I am so sorry for that. I don't mean tobe that way, I don't want to be that way. I think sometimes, why me? I feel so ill equipped. I never struggled in these ways and I have no frame of reference. I have trouble believing her when she just doesn't get it. I trust that God knows what he is doing and that we are her parents for a reason, but I can't see what that is sometimes. I see people who have the kind of temperment that makes them calm and understanding, they don't get mad at their kids for struggling, failing. I don't say it is right, but it is what it is. I am not glad I feel that way but I recognize that I do feel that way. I have dealt with a lot of judgement over the years, if we just did this, if we just did that, parenting is a hard job, no one said it would be easy. Noone who has raised a special needs kid ought to say that, they should know better. Noone knows how hard it is unless they have done it. No one who has not gone through what we have can say how we ought to be, or feel or act. I have to learn how to just let her be her and not hold her up to the same uncompromising mirror I sometimes hold up to myself. Maybe being her parent is for my benefit more than hers. Maybe I am the one who has to learn from her. In that case, she could have done better, and I feel bad for her, she deserves better than I have been able to give her.
posted by madmom at 11:47 PM
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