Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The big lie

I had a situation occur recently that really made so happy. This was all stemming from a falling out I had with a fellow church member over 3 years ago, over a disagreement.

I know we can't agree about everything with everyone, and I don't expect to, not even my husband. We don't sever ties with those who matter to us over disagreements however, at least not without exacting great personal cost.

A few years ago our church decided to have a yahoo discussion group so that we could communicate info, discuss interesting things and as an adjunct to expand means of fellowship. It sounded great and you'd think that would have been a Good thing.

I think we forgot that 1)our church is about as diverse as you can get, in the good, real sense. We really do span a wide range of ideas, backgrounds, geography and values, yet we gather around the table that Christ sets for us and we try to love each other. There is no clear cut example of the typical member and there is no defining example, the glue that holds us together is Christ and Christ alone. 2) The computer, as a means of communication really functions best as a benevolent dictatorship to disseminate information, rather than a free exchange of ideas. There is something that is entirely too easy spouting off to a faceless crowd, when one is not face to face with the people one is talking to, that allows one to say things on screen that one would never say in person. It's riduclously easy to be a much bigger jerk, because one does not have to look the person in the eye and see the effects of their words. The damage happens later. It is a souless medium.

The argument was silly, and it started innocently enough. One person posted about a matter concerning kids in CA having to observe Muslim beliefs, customs and such as part of a social studies class. Not an outrageous posting for a church discussion board. One person took offense at the news source and began a flaming rage that lasted for several weeks. I had jumped in the middle to defend the original poster and ended up bloody and bruised, suffered very public very personal attacks. No, I don't think what was done was right, and yes, I didn't have to jump in.

In effect, the first injured party had not spoken to me in the intervening years once, not even to say hello, not looked me in the eye, nothing. There was a big wound there. Now, in all honesty, we were not great friends before, not do I think we need to be. But there is something about being in community, sort of like being in a marriage, where we understand that although we don't agree, the covenented relationship is so important, that we overlook each others faults and failing, because that is love. I don't have to like this person, but I have to love them. And thats within my community. I even have to love my enemies, I love how the bible put this, even the non believers like people who are nice to them, your task is to be nice to those who are not nice to you.

Yes, this man did wrong, and he hurt me. However, I do not have the option of living in that, I am obligated to try for reconciliation. It bothered me the whole time, and finally, when asked to assist with the healing service offered during lent, I refused until the problem was addressed. I said, how can I lay hands on this person and pray for their healing when I know they hate me (I also said, ironically looking back, that it probably wouldn't be a problem because he would avoid me like the plague, and the chance of him coming up for prayer from me would be nil)? The priest agreed, but we decided that I would try to address it with the person first, if nothing else than to make a token effort. We prayed to that effect, and I agreed that at the right time I would bring it up and offer the opportunity for reconciliation.

I never really got that chance, God had a better plan. This person who had not looked or talked to me for 3 years came up to receive prayer for healing and laying on of hands. He placed himself right in front of us, the priest and me. I was able to lay hands on him and pray for him and it was very powerful. After church we chatted and joked, and it was as if the whole black cloud had just lifted. The anger and hurt were gone. See, God had found a way to heal the relationship without anyone being pulled out, set aside, brought up or otherwise embarrassed, in a moment it was done.

I'm still not best buddies, but the spirit of anger and hate are gone. That is real healing and I have seen God do this kind of thing time and again. All it took was me recognizing that the relationship was more important than my hurt feelings, and being willing to be reconciled. I had to decide to forgive him no matter what, and to pray for his blessing. The rest God did.

It is so easy to be right, and a lot harder to love. I used to think that if I was right then it was ok for me to be right at the expense of other's feelings. In God's world, it doesn't matter who is right. We are supposed to defer to others, to bend over backwards to put others before ourselves. As to who is right and wrong, he's the only one who really knows and will sort it out. The path that we take when we say "I am right, and I need to set everyone else straight" leads to loneliness and isolation. It ends relationships, destroys trust and wounds those around it. It is not God's heart to have us all be set straight (by each other). There is a time and place for that, and he will do in his way, we are to love one another, love our enemies. Boy that's hard. Take from one who is a slowly recovering control freak, letting someone else be wrong even for a little bit takes a supreme act of will, or an act of God. But sometimes we can be right, and be wrong, if we are right at the expense of relationship.

I hate politics, that's what led to that whole blow up in the first place. It has made me leery of entering the fray. It's not that I don't have opinions or even that I don't think my opinions matter, but it's so easy to get into the "i'm right, you're wrong, and that's the way it is", mentality. No one is going to be swayed by being told how wrong they are. I guess I ask myself, what am I trying to achieve; correcting every perceived misconception, or learning how to love?

Anyway, it has been such a blessing and a powerful example for me of the power of prayer and agreement, as well as the value of relationship. That took a great deal of energy over the past month, but was well worth it.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home