Tuesday, February 22, 2005

no topic just stuff

I am not sure what I want to write about today. I want to use green because it is so sunny and nice today, in fact all weekend, unseaonably warm. As we drove out toward Mt Hood this weekend, I noticed we have cherry trees already in full bloom. There are daffy-dills everywhere and crocuses, (croci?). I love spring for that, and that it is cool, not hot. Summer is my least favorite for that reason, it's uncomfortable. I can always wear a jacket if I am cold but there is little escape from the heat. I like having this space to write. It is so nice to know that it is mine, I don't care if the colors are hard to read, if my sentence structure is poor, if my spelling stinks, or frankly, if anyone likes it. It's my space and it's here for me, not for anyone else. If I want to attract lots of traffic, I'd put naked girls on it, but I don't. I notice I have been cranky lately. I don't know why, no real good reason, just lots of little ones. I don't like being that way but on the other hand, I am, and don't like to try to shove down stuff, it always boomerangs back to me and takes out a few limbs on the way. I will ask God to help me in that, it is so hard trying to balance all the oughts and shoulds. it's like trying to balance a bunch of packages, you think "just one more" and then you end up dropping them all. There is always one more thing, and there always will be, so maybe God is trying to teach me to just do what needs to be done today and not worry about tomorrow. I do that, I line up all my obligations and responsibilities and expectations like little soldiers, marching in place, waiting on me to catch up. I think he laughs at that, not at me, but at my propensity to try to manage everything so thoroughly that there will be no loose ends to fray and unravel. There they always are, that's the burden of mortality, imperfection. The Hebrew word that is translated as mortal is enosh, which is derived from a root word anash meaning incurable, frail, weak. That is what I think is so hard for us to accept, and is at the root of humanistic philosophy, the truth, the fact that we need to be capable and able to manage our destiny, and yet we are not able to do so. What the world hates about God is that he, by the fact he exists, negates our personal importance. We are important because we are to him, not because of anything inherent in us. Our value is relational to him. We are mortal, frail, weak. I don't see that as a bad thing, I don't want to run the universe, and if it were up to me to make sure all bases are covered, I would either go nuts, beat myself to death, and certainly fail miserably. It is enough to realize that it does not depend on me, that all I have is today, and to make today count. That takes constant vigilance, like telling yourself to relax, when you are stressed, when you aren't paying attention, you begin to worry, little doubts creep in, and pretty soon you are stressed again. The world is a beautiful place, not because we are here or in spite of the tragedy of humanity, but because God exists, we are not alone, it isn't all up to us, and he has a plan. Today is a good day, because I am alive, I am loved. When I die, however that happens, it will be a beautiful day too, because I will be going home. Worrying about today only steals from me the joy that should be mine and the freeedom of knowing that I can be still.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good Posting, and the green worked well with the black background.

Already told your DH, I picked up a new book that I'm reading. This is the ACTUAL title - "Shut Up, Stop Whining & Get a Life."

As you know (cause you know more about me than most folks), I probably don't have to search very far to find reasons to whine - but whining won't help me. Time for me to dig down a little deeper (how much deeper can I go? Dunno) and try to put my life together. Two biggies are very close to being removed from my plate (regarding DW) so, I pray for some graces to keep on going and know that each day that I wake up is His way of telling me to keep on trying. That I haven't accomplished, here on earth, everything that He wants me to do.

Peace.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005 11:47:00 AM  

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