in the key of G

lighthouses in the dark

2010-01-24T14:05:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed that this year, 2010 has been a strange year? Almost from the start, things have been topsy turvy. I described it to one person as feeling like a snowglobe that has been shook up. I am sure some of that is just our personal life which really has been odd and unsettled, but it is more than that. It's in the air and in the atmosphere. It doens't seem bad, just very, very different. I have made more progress in some areas of my life in such a short time, like never before. I think it is a time God is doing things, a time when us, his people are to run forward, to not look back at the past, at failures, look forward at where God is telling you to go and run for with all your heart. It's like this marathon we have all been on, and you get to thinking (not that I have ever been in a marathon mind you, but if I WERE, it's what I imagine it would be like,) that it seems like it will never end, and why did I sign up for this race and how much farther do I have to go, and wouldn't it be nice just to sit down and rest for a bit. Then you round a bend and you see your support team there with water and banners and a picture of your family who are waiting at the end for you when you get there, and you realize absolutely you can make it, you pick up speed, feet that were tired and sore are strong, sending you hurtling toward the finish. That's what it feels like. It's like, we have to keep our eyes on the finish line, where we are headed, when we look to the side, we stumble and remember why this was so hard in the first place, but when we don't, whoo boy, it's like we are just getting started.

I can see how people who don't know God, who don't love him, could be feeling very nervous, scared, uncertain. The world is becoming, and already is, a scary place. I feel certain however, that we, as God's children, truly are being positioned to become the light of the world. It really won't matter whether we try to hide it or not, why would we, but even if we did, within the darkness surrounding us, we will become so bright, the world won't be able to help but notice. People will ask us, what is different in our lives, why aren't we worried? It almost makes it impossible not to be a witness for God, even if we have never done such in the past. I have heard older Christians commenting on the state the world is in and how evil it has become and I try to tell them, yes, it has but that's why we are here!
+Heather

2009-10-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

fall again at memaloose

2009-10-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

Thank you Hugh

2009-09-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

wherever you are. Boy is my daughter one happy camper. I'll post pics as soon as I get them. A signed photo, I don't care what anyone says, you must be a good guy. :)

pot, meet kettle

2009-09-23T23:43:00.000-07:00

This is priceless. I was hoping to find some collection of all the crap flung against the wall over the past 8 years, this does the job nicely, so I don't have to comb through the archives and piece it together myself. Every time I hear another whine-fest starting about the boo friggin hoo conservatives comparing O with Hitler I want to puke. I don't believe they believe what they are saying. Can they be so blind or in such denial? The only other option is blatant hypocrisy.

Summer vacation to Southern Oregon

2009-09-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

So we had our week long trip to southern oregon, camped at Lake Selmac and made several side trips in the area. I have to say the big disapointment was Ashland, it just wasn't all that. I remember it fondly from high scholl when we went there for the Shakespeare Festival for English class. We had to tag team the backstage tour because of the dog. I can kind of get that, but in a college town you would think that the town itself would be somewhat dog friendly, we couldn't even enter Lithia park with the dog, see pics below. Friggin Nazis. Dog haters. We ate our picnic lunch just outside the park with sneering wannabe counter cultural college student-sheep looking at us like bugs. Yuck, we left there and went on to the vortex. Now that was fun. The pics don't really do it justice, maybe I will play around with them some and remove the background so you can see the size difference when people change location. I can't explain it but I saw it. Hmm. We did get down to Cresent CIty, it's still #)(#%*&^%*&($California but the seaside pics were nice. Our campground was nearly deserted the whole week. All in all it was nice and we may go back another itme.

Fall beach cleanup

2009-09-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it is that time already, this year simply flew by and this summer was blur. School is already back in session and we had our annual trek to Fort Stevens for the beach cleanup. The weather cooperated more or less. We didn't find any huge garbage but we did find a dead sea lion, I did not take pictures, ughh. I do have pictures of the world famous stroller pushing pug, isn't she cute? She did not like Jake the dog faced dog, every time she caught site of Jake the snorting pug-bark would ensue. Jake didn't know what to make of that. Anyway, all this can mean only one thing, fall is here and the holidays are just around the corner. Sometimes I just wish you could slow this ride down a bit.

2009-09-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

I tracked this back from 5 feet of fury, worth a read

maybe when pigs fly

2009-07-15T12:24:00.000-07:00

Smashing idea.....

Cape Perpetua

2009-07-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

2009-06-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

I ran across an article linked on Llamabutchers that had some interesting facts I wanted to share.
From Reason Onlines June 10th article about Times 10 most absurd headlines, here is a direct quote, but you can view the whole article by following the link:

Why So Worried? Using an upcoming U.N. conference in Mexico City as its hook, Time engages in some Paul Ehrlich-style doom-mongering about overpopulation.

Cue Ominous Music: "The consequences of a failure to bring the world's population growth under control are frightening. They could include widespread hunger and joblessness, accompanied by environmental devastation and cancerous urban growth. Politically, the outcome could be heightened global instability, violence and authoritarianism."

Oh, Just Settle Down: Since Time's 1984 cover story, the world's population has increased from 4.75 billion to 6.78 billion people. This year, the World Bank's Poverty Analysis reported, "Living standards have risen dramatically over the last decades. The proportion of the developing world's population living in extreme economic poverty...has fallen from 52 percent in 1981 to 26 percent in 2005.... Infant mortality rates in low- and middle-income countries have fallen from 87 per 1,000 live births in 1980 to 54 in 2006. Life expectancy in [low and middle-income] countries has risen from 60 to 66 between 1980 and 2006." According to the peace advocacy group Ploughshares, the number of armed conflicts across the globe has generally been in decline since the mid-1990s (PDF). As for "authoritarianism," with the fall of the Soviet empire, a far greater percentage of the global population lived under such regimes in 1984 than do today. Even the massive population in China is freer (if not actually "free") than it was in 1984.

Interesting. SO the poor aren't really getting poorer, they are getting RICHER? The standard of living is RISING? War is DECREASING? All this despite global warming, global terrorism, the melting of the polar ice caps, the dumbing down of America and the heartbreak of psoriasis? Have we been fed a line of crap on both sides? Much more so on the left where behind every corner is "crisis waiting to be exploited" so that rich corporations don't keep making money and employing people (*cough, cough* who pay taxes). The fear mongering that many causes near and dear to a true liberals heart would appear to be debunked, world overpopulation, the suffering poor and third world who is straining under the yoke of western imperialism and rich white guys. A few right wing bugaboos are declawed too, the freeing up of china's population comes to mind.

Now I realize that the fact that this article says it's so doesn't make it so, but I think their facts have merit. Even if some of these things have gotten better, that doesn't mean they aren't still problems, what it does mean is that the loudest voices always shrieking in our ears telling us we aren't doing enough, the world is on the verge of collapse and it's OUR FAULT, are wrong. It isn't perfect (what ever is?) but it isn't necessarily getting worse. What we are doing is working and things are getting better. You just don't hear that enough and I think we should. I think the reason we don't is that, like my aged Grammy (God rest her soul) used to think, if she didn't sigh really, really loud, no one would care about her, we would just forget she was there. I think the special interst groups think if they don't convince us of a crisis people won't hear them. Which is fine if there is a crisis but it is hard for the average Joe to prioritize what is the most important thing when EVERTHING is the most important thing.

Anyway, that's just my thoughts for what's it's worth.

the peacock in my neigborhood

2009-05-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

New Garden for the spring

2009-05-27T13:38:00.001-07:00

PC Doc wants me to post some pics of the garden, I took a few to put up. I have worked hard to put in a decent garden, one I can actually get use out of, included tomatoes, potatotes, brocoli, onions, beets, lettuce and salad greens, some herbs, beans, peas, and then the garden fairy struck, now there are tomatillos in the top bed. I love the garden fairy. She planted a clematis ealier this spring.

what takes up my time

2009-05-08T23:40:00.000-07:00

I have been so very busy, and I would like for it to slow down. I don't mind being busy persay, when I chose to do so, it is when It isn't my choice that it stesses me. I had 4 patients die in the span of less than 2 weeks. It has kept me hopping. I had one person die while I was with them. It is funny that one minute a person can be breathing and the next minute not. I didn't even know they had gone until I tried to take vital signs, and nothing was there. I was gathering information to talk to his son about to help explain why I thought his dad was going to die soon. It seems surreal that here I am taking vital signs in order to help a person understand what is going on a person who is dead. He had just died, and was still warm and had been comatose anyway, so it really wasn't obvious, but I felt pretty foolish anyway. Trying to explain to his daughter in law how she would tell when he was dead, and he is already dead. Hospice is a funny thing, everyone thinks you are an expert, and in some things you are, but dead people still take me by surprise sometimes. Much of work ahs just been a bit of a grind, PCDOc is working crazy long hours and I am working long days too. I am so tired at the end of the day and I long for down time with no obligation. I feel weary.

Lake Foster/Sunnyside park

2009-05-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

Since AP evidently decided to change the article

2009-01-12T18:15:00.000-08:00

I went back to look at the article from my link in the previous post, lo and behold, they changed the article, pcdoc did a search and found the original for me on another website and I saved the text, I think it is dishonest of AP to simply change the article, it really doesn't even say the same thing at all, and not note that it is an update or, perhaps more accurately simply offer it as a whole other article. A bit of sleight of hand.

Not particularly surprising

2009-01-12T13:17:00.000-08:00

Gay Episcopal bishop won't use bible or pray a "Christian" prayer during inaugural prayer.

Ahem, uhmm, hmmm, it kind of defies explaination. One has to ask one's self why a Christian minister would be reluctant to pray a Christian prayer. One would hope that was why he was invited. It's kind of like having a jazz musician for a concert show up and say, nope, I'm gonna play some classical tonight, because someone in the audience might not like Jazz.

"Clark Stevens, a spokesman for the inaugural committee, said Robinson was invited because he had offered his advice to Obama during the campaign and because of his church work. When asked whether Robinson was included to calm the Warren complaints, he said Robinson is "an important figure in the religious community. We are excited that he will be involved.""

yeah, and my ass is a chinese typewriter.

"I think these are sober and difficult times that we are facing," he said. "It won't be a happy, clappy prayer."

What the **** is a happy clappy prayer? This is such an asinine, thoughtless, predictably pompous statement. What this shows is an incredible lack of awareness of what he is talking about, it's like his head is in a big vacuum, where no actual thought can get in or out and no interaction with the actual world can occur. Cripes, what a maroon. And he is the best the church has to offer? This arrogant piece of work reminds me of Spong, and unfortunately he is widely representative of the Episcopal church today.

2008-11-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

A blog I like to read, mostly because it keeps me informed about what is going on in the world of the ECUSA as well as others, politically, just a bit of morbid curiosity, because I don't think I'd rejoin the church for any reason, but maybe a touch of schadenfreude. That being said, I can't say I really agree with his lambasting of some of the holdiay tips given by the "keep Christmas GREEN" bunch. Some of them are downright silly and of course there is the obligatory "plant a tree to save the planet" crap. We did that when I was a kid and frankly, you start to run our of room in your yard for large native tree species. I personally think the rampant commercialism of the holidays has little or nothing to do with Christ and everything to do with retailing and advertising moguls who only care about getting me to spend more. I would much rather have someone make a donation in my name to a cause dear to me than to get more junk I don't need. I love homemmade gift, I even love home made paper. My cute little Welsh gramma who grew up in the depression instilled a hate of waste, I admit I even reuse the wrapping paper if it's not to messed up, and I certain reuse the gift bags. I love buying locally, whenever possible. I makes me happy to know I am helping out my neighbor, right her and right now. Ok, here the heart of it, the point of the holiday is to celebrate the birth of Jesus, it's all about him, not about our traditions, what worked in the 40's and 50's is very likely not the same as what works today. What does not change is God, what ought to change is us. If what we are doing to honor him has an impact in a bad way, it's not really very honoring. I wouldn't want people going out and making a huge mess in my name and then telling me, "but we did it for you!". Not that we have to toss every near and dear tradition, but I don't see anything wrong with being mindful of what we do. Heavy sigh. I am not in any way a liberal greeny eco warrior person. I think that should be glaringly obvious. I just feel strongly that continuing to do things we know are not good for the world we live in just because we have always done them, once we know better, seems kind of juvenile. You don't have to be religious about it to be thoughful about your actions. That's all I'm saying, don't make environmentalism a religion, we have no god besides God, but we are to be good stewards.

a lesson in tolerance or, what we have to look forward to as we are all taught how to "get along"

2008-11-13T16:09:00.000-08:00

A lesson in tolerance

chicagotribune.com
Tolerance fails T-shirt test
John Kass

November 13, 2008

As the media keeps gushing on about how America has finally adopted tolerance as the great virtue, and that we're all united now, let's consider the Brave Catherine Vogt Experiment.

Catherine Vogt, 14, is an Illinois 8th grader, the daughter of a liberal mom and a conservative dad. She wanted to conduct an experiment in political tolerance and diversity of opinion at her school in the liberal suburb of Oak Park.

She noticed that fellow students at Gwendolyn Brooks Middle School overwhelmingly supported Barack Obama for president. His campaign kept preaching "inclusion," and she decided to see how included she could be.

So just before the election, Catherine consulted with her history teacher, then bravely wore a unique T-shirt to school and recorded the comments of teachers and students in her journal. The T-shirt bore the simple yet quite subversive words drawn with a red marker:

"McCain Girl."

"I was just really curious how they'd react to something that different, because a lot of people at my school wore Obama shirts and they are big Obama supporters," Catherine told us. "I just really wanted to see what their reaction would be."

Immediately, Catherine learned she was stupid for wearing a shirt with Republican John McCain's name. Not merely stupid. Very stupid.

"People were upset. But they started saying things, calling me very stupid, telling me my shirt was stupid and I shouldn't be wearing it," Catherine said.

Then it got worse.

"One person told me to go die. It was a lot of dying. A lot of comments about how I should be killed," Catherine said, of the tolerance in Oak Park.

But students weren't the only ones surprised that she wore a shirt supporting McCain.

"In one class, I had one teacher say she will not judge me for my choice, but that she was surprised that I supported McCain," Catherine said.

If Catherine was shocked by such passive-aggressive threats from instructors, just wait until she goes to college.

"Later, that teacher found out about the experiment and said she was embarrassed because she knew I was writing down what she said," Catherine said.

One student suggested that she be put up on a cross for her political beliefs.

"He said, 'You should be crucifixed.' It was kind of funny because, I was like, don't you mean 'crucified?' " Catherine said.

Other entries in her notebook involved suggestions by classmates that she be "burned with her shirt on" for "being a filthy-rich Republican."

Some said that because she supported McCain, by extension she supported a plan by deranged skinheads to kill Obama before the election. And I thought such politicized logic was confined to American newsrooms. Yet Catherine refused to argue with her peers. She didn't want to jeopardize her experiment.

"I couldn't show people really what it was for. I really kind of wanted to laugh because they had no idea what I was doing," she said.

Only a few times did anyone say anything remotely positive about her McCain shirt. One girl pulled her aside in a corner, out of earshot of other students, and whispered, "I really like your shirt."

That's when you know America is truly supportive of diversity of opinion, when children must whisper for fear of being ostracized, heckled and crucifixed.

The next day, in part 2 of The Brave Catherine Vogt Experiment, she wore another T-shirt, this one with "Obama Girl" written in blue. And an amazing thing happened.

Catherine wasn't very stupid anymore. She grew brains.

"People liked my shirt. They said things like my brain had come back, and I had put the right shirt on today," Catherine said.

Some students accused her of playing both sides.

"A lot of people liked it. But some people told me I was a flip-flopper," she said. "They said, 'You can't make up your mind. You can't wear a McCain shirt one day and an Obama shirt the next day.' "

But she sure did, and she turned her journal into a report for her history teacher, earning Catherine extra credit. We asked the teacher, Norma Cassin-Pountney, whether it was ironic that Catherine would be subject to such intolerance from pro-Obama supporters in a community that prides itself on its liberal outlook.

"That's what we discussed," Cassin-Pountney said about the debate in the classroom when the experiment was revealed. "I said, here you are, promoting this person [Obama] that believes we are all equal and included, and look what you've done? The students were kind of like, 'Oh, yeah.' I think they got it."

Catherine never told us which candidate she would have voted for if she weren't an 8th grader. But she said she learned what it was like to be in the minority.

"Just being on the outside, how it felt, it was not fun at all," she said.

Don't ever feel as if you must conform, Catherine. Being on the outside isn't so bad. Trust me.

jskass@tribune.com

Copyright © 2008, Chicago Tribune

Good grief

2008-11-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

http://www.comcast.net/articles/news-world-europe/20081112/EU.Netherlands.HIV.Case/

What is next

2008-11-12T10:17:00.000-08:00

I have to say, I am not happy, not happy at all about the election, and it isn't because one guy won and another lost. I am angry that the choices we had were so poor, on both sides, I am angry that it seems at times there is truly a conspiracy of greed or of greedy people that make decisions for the rest of the populace, to the greedy's benefit, and that, it would seem, as long as they provide us with the appearance of security, prosperity or whatever they think will placate us, they can do or say whatever they wish. It isn't a party thing, and it isn't a class thing other than the fact that it seems those who are the richest usually have their fingers in the pie the deepest. I think that the media is in cahoots or at the very least, being used by this faction, to create the appearance of a conflict, to manipulate. Don't get me wrong, I believe the left in this country is heading in the wrong direction, it just seems to me that they are heading there faster than the right, but in the end, they are both headed the same way, and that's the way the powers that be want it. They don't care how we get there as long as we get there. I don't know where "there" is (I have my suspicions), but it no longer seems to matter what we common folk think or want. I don't truly believe we live in a democratic republic, I think that's is just one of the illusions we are allowed to exist under to keep us happy and calm. I don't think that anything that happens, happens by accident, and again, don't get me wrong, I believe God is in control of the mess, but while this little play is playing out, we just think we are in the land of the free and the home of the brave. There are brave people and there are people who will not be made slaves, but as a country, we are not unified and we are not one nation. We were once. We are, I believe in at least the middle stages of being subdued in a quiet gentle fashion. Oh, every once in a while a glimpse gets out of the behind the scenes machinations but no one really latches on, at least not globally enough to make a difference. Look at the bailout fiasco, look at Minnesota elections, look at the last Washingtom state elections. It always heads in the same direction and it is just incremental enough to keep us from really realizing the bitter pill we are being fed. I don't have any answers and I don't know that anyone can make it stop. I do believe that anyone who sees it must remain aware, must remain awake, and hold to what is true and honest. We cannot allow ourselves to be put to sleep, to be deceived. There are few enough who see it, but there must always remain a remnant who are aware and who can speak the truth. In the end, I think the truth does not become dimmer as the light fades, I believe it becomes clearer and more resonant, the more untruth fills the air, what is true becomes more and more apperant. I know people are more and more muddles about right and wrong, but that only makes truth more apperant when they hear it. They can chose not to listen but they cannot chose not to hear, not when it is spoken. Don't be afraid to hold to what is true, to what is good and to what is right. There is a difference between right and wrong, not all things are relative, unless you are holding them up to compare with the one true source of light and good and love. Anything else is just a copy, an imitation. Imitations can be beautiful but that doesn't make them authentic. Don't judge things by their outward appearance, develop an instinct for that inner voice that proves to be reliable. Test that voice, and listen to that voice. If it leads you wrong, keep listening for the authentic voice. Your spirit will know the difference. Most of all, don't be afraid. We are in good hands, no matter what it looks like, and I don't mean Obama's hands.

gotta share this

2008-11-02T08:17:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxReTKWXxNg

I realize that there is a pardigm shift trying to occur in our society in America. At no time in our past have so many people believed that the gvoernment is here to take care of us, save us. People who have come here from other countries came here to find the freedom and opportunities to help themselves, to make a way for themselves, often from countries where the government felt it was their job to take care of the people. They were escaping that and those who grew up here never wanted it in the first place. It was a source of pride that we took care of ourselves, we were accountable and able. No more, not as a nation, We whine and complain about what has anyone done for me LATELY? I don't understand why people idolize Obama and his supporters can't understand why anyone would prefer Mccain and Palin over their hero? There is such a disconnect, it seems unbridgable because it is simply put, two different mindsets, two completely different views of who and what the government is and should be. This video, I remember the Nike commercial well, loved it, and this adaptation, I think, exemplifies how those who believe the ideals and spirit of America do not need to be changed but rather strengthened, view the seemingly mindless devotion those who would prefer our country become a nanny state for lazy, unmotivated apathetic parasites living off the teat of the government. Sorry, I calls it as I sees it. If they, the other side of the equation don't understand, this it a great picture of what they look like ot the rest of us.
Just of note, I see baracko made a similar video with Hillary as the speaker on the screen. How ironic, he sees himself as the one gonna save us from the mindless control of....the Clintons????

Hood River Part Deux

2008-10-29T10:28:00.000-07:00

PCDoc

These are mostly at my moms house

White River

The Columbia, at the Hood River Bridge

A little bit of Heaven

Mt View

mountain view

Memaloose again

What are we really afraid of?

2008-10-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

I found out via my newspaper today that I am probably a racist. Hm, I was not aware of that. No really, on page 2, there is an article talking about how blacks are afraid to hope that Barak will really win. They are afraid that some how, somewhere, the powers that be will steal it from them. I can understand this, I wonder sometimes if the socialist takeover of the US is almost complete? Do I have nothing to say about this? Does my opinion not count? If I wanted to live in a socialist nation I would simply move north or cross the ocean or whatever, there are many choices. I can understand feeling somewhat helpless and hopeless. I take heart in the fact that I do not believe about 99% of what I read in the newspaper, and that there are many more people who agree with me, irrespective of what pablum I am fed in the local rag. What I find so unpleasant about this mornings article is the assumptions and closed mindedness of the people who are cited in the piece.

The Rev. Joseph Lowery, a civil rights veteran and co-founder of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, thinks the matter is plain:"What we boil down to is a choice between 'Will you vote for the good of the country?' or 'Will you vote your racial fears?' " said Lowery.
One thing to note is the oregonian article stops right there, but in the original from the LA times the article goes on, much in the same vein but with a brief nod to the fact that there might be other reasons a person might not want to vote for Barak.

I am sorry that there are people who will think otherwise, I cannot change that for them, I wouldn't vote for Obama if he were are white as the driven snow. It is sad that there will be many who will feel disenfranchised as a result of my no vote. Maybe if Obama was more centerist, if he were truly the uniter he says he is, but he is as far left of center as a person can be, he is in fact, for all intents and purposes, a communist. In his heart of hearts, and I get the feeling as long as he isn't the one paying for it, he would like to see people like me be stripped of what wealth I have worked so hard to accumulate in order to give it to others, not because I want to but because he thinks I ought to.

Why? My husband works hard, he does not have a college degree, he got where he is by working his fanny off, by training in the military in an area that would serve him well later in life, anyone who wanted to could have made the same choice. I went to college, I picked a career I knew I could actually get a job in, I paid for it and am still paying for it. No one gave me a free ride, no one made me make that choice, I made it myself.

Anyone who wanted to could have made the same choice, and believe me, with the shortage of nurses in this country, anyone who wants to go to college and work hard even with an associated degree, walk out with a job that pays 40-50 thousand a year out of the gate.

No one has to live in poverty, why is it my job to work as hard as I do so I can support people who don't work at all? If 1/3 or more of my income wasnt taken from me every day perhaps I could afford to give more to charities who make a difference in peoples lives, and do it better than the welfare system in this country. When we needed help this system had nothing for us, but if I had been an irresponsible deadbeat, they would have been right there, johnny on the spot, with money in hand.

When I don't vote for Barak Hussein Obama, it won't be because he is black, just like if I vote for Mcain , it won't be because he is white, or Palin is a woman. And if I voted against Mccain, it would not be because I could not stomach a woman for VP, or a conservative or a Christian, or anything else. It's the same reasoning. If Mccain loses, will it be because there is a conspiracy in the media that overwhelming favors Obama, that tells me every day and in every way that Mccain is going to lose, that Obama is going to win, that anything I think or do is irrelevant because this is all a foregone conclusion? In the end, if Mccain wins it will be because he got more votes. If Obama wins it will be because he got more votes.

Hood River

2008-10-03T19:32:00.002-07:00

We got apples and pears last weekend in Hood River, or to be more precise, Parkdale.

Fall beach cleanup 2008

2008-09-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

after 2 cups of coffee

2008-09-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to simply DO what God asks us to do? I can understand not being sure what God asks of us, look at the multiplicity of denominationalism, (even, in it's own way within the Catholic church that would see it's self as a single entity there is, for lack of a better word, "denominations") who differ on the broad picture, "what does God really ask of us?" kind of questions. Would it be wrong to say that the gospel is quite simple? God came to earth as a man, he died for my sins. He died so nothing can come between me and him. He loves me and asks that I love him and love my neighbor. You could say the devil is in the details, but really, if we are truly trying to do these things, we are contending for our faith. I do believe God gives us credit for trying. I have heard some say that it isn't good enough to try, we have to actually do, and I agree to the extent that we do what we know to do, but trying when we aren't sure but willing to go at it anyway, I think God's ok with that, he can redirect us if we are moving, but the laws of inertia apply, A body at rest.......
No, what I really wonder is, why when we pretty much know what is right and what God wants of us, do we not do want what he wants? Why do we want to go our own way even when going our own way leads to problems and stress? Why is it so hard sometimes to WANT to do what is right, even when we know the cost, even when we know it hurts God's feelings (yes I think God has feelings, we have feelings, and we are made like him). What is it in us that resists him, his way, that pushes us to want to go our own way? Even if we do the right thing, there is a part of us that doesn't wanna. Is this the essence of fallenness, of our fallen nature? It's seems like there is a two year old in my head sometimes kicking and screaming to get it's own way, and I don't even like the little bastard. God is patiently and quietly listening and watching, offering solace, offering peace when I will take it, but the little shit won't shut up. Why do we even listen? Why does anyone, given the choice between Godly peace, presence and wisdom choose to do stupid things, or even think about doing stupid things? I wonder sometimes if I am spiritually retarded (I know, bad word) or just fighting the good fight. Does the struggle ever end? When do I lay down my arms and stop the battle? If I did, would my flesh and soul continue the fight or do they eventually give it up? If I stopped contending does God pick up the battle for me or is it simply my fight? Is peace a cessation of struggle or simple an awareness that the struggle does not define my existence? Is the peace of God a cessation of struggle, or is it simply an awareness that the existence of struggle does not mean there is something wrong?

puppy power, cuteness 2'd

2008-09-03T12:39:00.000-07:00

aren't you gonna let me out, please, pretty please, is my cuteness working??
I thought they said Rat terrier, not Bat terrier
die fledermaus/dog wings fully engaged, and ready for takeoff
shit, it isn't working is it? If I pooped in your shoes would you still love me? Cuz......

Reno/Virginia City

2008-08-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the family

2008-08-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

No, not the big red headed guy, the little one, with spots.

Ghost towns

2008-08-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

2008-08-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

2008-07-17T10:39:00.001-07:00

I don't think of myself as the type of person who communes with nature, but there are things that speak to me in nature.

There are a couple of things in nature that I truly love. Well, many things I love but a few things I especially love. Crocuses are my harbinger of spring. They tell me that no matter how cold, dead and unlikely life may appear to be, verdant growth is just around the corner.

It reminds me of a bible passage, While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. Noah had just grounded the Ark, and looked out on a world that was probably as grim as anyone had ever imagined, let alone seen, especially coming on the heels of a newly minted world, or relatively so, which he had left before boarding the Ark. How could he have imagined that ANYTHING would grow in the world in which he now stood?

But the very next verse is God telling Noah to go do exactly that: And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.

Every winter I look at the dirt, and the dead stems and I remember that where there does not appear to be life, a miracle is about to take place. Life, hope are intertwined threads of the same rope.

So crocuses are my little gift from God to remind me that there is always hope.

Heather is a plant which grows well in all kinds of, but especially rocky, acidic pretty much crappy soil, where other things don't grow. It might do fine in a garden but it survives in the wild, in the remote uncultivated areas that other things don't grow in. It isn't the biggest, prettiest or the most flashy of flowers, but it brings beauty in places that would be otherwise barren, and it's own beauty is perhaps understated. You have to get up close to it to see it's detail, from a distance it looks a lot like sage, a purply green hazy carpet. It is a thing of beauty in a sometimes, otherwise harsh world.

So, how does my garden grow? It grows very well, thank you. My neighbor watches over it also and every once in a while I find little things she has brought over and planted.

some of my lettuces in the shadow of Franken-flower
A better view of the whole thing, with Franken-flower standing tall. The creepers are creeping, the bloomers are blooming and the others are just trying to get some air.

Camping 4th of July in Lagrande/Union

2008-07-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

Miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles. No, actually it's rolling green hills of sage. East of Baker toward Medical Springs and onward to Union county and Catherine Creek. It is amazing to me how vibrant the desert can be, I never see it as desolate.

Fireworks at EOU stadium in La Grande

We camped near Hot Lake, which is situated next to Ladd Marsh, very BUGGY but very beautiful. Just a few of the many lovely pics we took.

Bonneville Dam and hatchery

2008-06-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

The fish ladder at Bonneville

The Rainbow trout pond

The Sturgeon Pond

More trout ponds

Vista House

Horsetail falls

Bonneville

2008-06-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

yard update

2008-06-18T10:06:00.001-07:00

So, over the past year or two we have been working on our yard, you can go back and look at yard remodel 2007 for the before and after pics. The yard has had a chance to mature and we are putting in new features. Our most kind, lovely and somewhat workaholic neighbor put in the terraced boxes on the side hill, for which we are most grateful and for which I daily thank God, as they are beautiful. Lets take a walk and see..........

The roses are in good form this year. we figured out they are long stemmed, so I have been pinching back the side shoots and just letting them grow as long stems. They look so nice cut in a vase!

And our special surprise this year, the strawberries which are huge and lovely. I actually had to remove some which were overrunning the roses and put them up on Craigslist. they got taken.
The hydrangea changed color this year, it is deep pink instead of purple.

A gift from our neighbor.

This is one of my personal favorites. I like the composition of this picture, I love the way the color gradient shifts from blue to red and also, if you click on it for a close up, the incredible clarity and detail of the plant in the foreground is very striking.

May and June

2008-06-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

Ah, I found a good picture of the campsites we had at the park, this was a jpeg off the actual state park website, that's why it has the writing all over it, it isn't really clickable.

For Fathers Day we decided to camp a few days at a new State Park near Vernonia, in the coast range but before you get to the coast side of the hills. Stub Stewart state park. I do wish I had gotten pics of the actual sites, they were all w/c accessible, which is nice if you have w/c, but basically were gravel pads with no grass. Our site was on the very top of a ridge, very open and exposed, and being a rigde in a mountain range there was a steady biting wind. It made for good campfires, however. The first coule pics are just bucolic farmland you see throughout the Willamette Valley, very pretty.

My little God daughter had her first Communion a few weeks ago, Les and Peter were both trying not to get into any trouble

and Hanni was just being cute.
Back to Stub Stewart- the hillsides were covered in this Lupen, I think it's lupen. I couldn't get a really good shot, Les made me take the pics from the window of the car so, you can't get the sense of how it blankets the ground like apurple moving carpet, very pretty.

2008-04-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

spring break 2008

2008-04-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it was, it's like this, it was, you see, we wanted to get away for a while, and that we accomplished. There were parts of the trip that were fun, and other parts that weren'y EXACTLY like we envisioned. It was going to be a week on the Southern Oregon coast in our trailer. We thought we had the best chance of decent weather there this time of year. The weather has been very odd this year, it is a LaNina year and that brings cold wet weather, lots of snow etc. The last LaNina we had flooded the Portland Metro and coastal areas for several weeks, with 100 year flood record set, that was ten years ago. This year was wet and cold, less flooding (the last one was a perfect storm of heavy snows followed by a melt and then heavy rains on already saturated ground, then a huge wind storm that brought down treees and rocks etc. The fish store at the bottom of our hill has a mark on the wall where the water level was during the floods of 96)
So anyway, we were going camping, and we knew there'd be rains and some wind but we hoped for the best. For the most part weather was pretty good from Sunday to Wednesday, we enjoyed the beach, the kids got to play in the sand and ride their bikes. We decided wednesday we needed to go down to see the Trees of Mystery in California. It was about 170 miles south of where we were. We got driving, stopped in brookings or Gold Beach, can't remember now, at a store and got back on the road and promptly got pulled over by a state trooper for running a light (a stop light that was out, not one that was working) as we didn't see it. He was kind enough to let us off with a warning. We continued on south and stopped in cresent city for a crappy lunch about 2 or 3pm at an Apple Peddler, shoulda gone to Subway, yuck. Wasted about an hour and a half due to ssslllooowwww service.
We made it down to Trees of Mystery, PC doc wanted to see something less "commercial" so we drove on by and on to one of the state parks, however, they don't really have visitors center, it's just a national forest campground. So I say lets go back and just see the commercial trees they ahve hostage at Trees Of Mystery. We turned around and pulled into the parking lot at 4:40 pm, please see the picture of Babe the HEADLESS blue Ox (Maybe Paul whacked him with the axe???? ), who nevertheless is spectacularly well hung. Oh, btw, they CLOSED at 4:30. The gift shop was open, so we got the t shirt.

The rest of most of these pics are just pretty ones of things we saw.

After we returned to our campgound (amidst sheets of hail, rain, sleet, alternating with crystal clear skies)we talked it over and decided we needed to head north to a campground we have a membership at that had a pool for the kids to play in. We left thursday and arrived, set up and went to bed. We got up in the morning and found 2-3 inches of snow on the ground.

We woke up Friday morning and lost power. Since we hadn't made any coffee yet, this was a serious problem. We again decided to pull up stakes and head to green grass, at least somewhere that had power. The Pacific power guy saud we were at the end of the grid and there was no telling when it would be back. So away we went, just in time of the great Oregon Spring Beach Cleanup. We got home sunday and had to work monday. We are staying home next time, I think.

Cedar Creek Grist Mill

2008-03-10T20:25:00.001-07:00

I suppose it's blogging laziness to just post pictures, but I get so busy, and I have these really nice pictures, I really do think that a picture can be worth many words, and I like tog ive little snap shots into the things I see. That's why I like to take pictures, I see things from a perspective and I want to show that perspective to others. Well, these are very nice pictures of a grist mill up the road a ways north of Vancouver.

Just so that you can't say I am a lazy blogger, let me tell you a little about what has been going on. My daughter turned 15 yeaterday, she had her party on Saturday, we had steak and shrimp, spinach salad, baked potatoes, asparagus, and chocolate cake (from Costco, the huge one). She got a PS2 game, (something Naruto), and some bath and body works goodies, and from grandma two t-shirts from Hot Topic (ick) and her ears pierced a second time. that's about as racy as it gets, but she said when she turns 18, which she has the days counted down to, she will be getting a third piercing, maybe her nose??? Yeah, right, whatever.

I am working very hard, long hours and days, but I am enjoying what I am doing. It is hard work but rewarding work. Yeah, my people die, but they were dying anyway and at least I can help them die better. I have many people who tell me their family member died well, the way they would have wanted to. That makes me feel good.

I have been playing a game every friday to unwind, an online first person shooter called Star Wars Battlefront. It is kind of fun. I don't usually get into gaming, but this isn't creepy like those horrible zombie FPS games. Little to no blood. There is a group of us from my husbands work and friends/family. The back and forth is fun, and there is a little competition, however they guys that play all the time wipe the floor with most of us.

Ok, on to the pretty pics.....................

The first big dance

2008-02-15T17:32:00.000-08:00

Ok, it is truly princess time. Doesn't she look beautiful??? My little girl is growing up!

this is what I do

2008-01-20T16:04:00.000-08:00

I got the call from my office around 10:50 in the morning, as I was making my first visit of the day. "Mr P. died, you need to go over there". I sighed, he had died faster than I had hoped but he had been eating less and less, sleeping more. I knew that it would be a tough visit, his son was an emotional person, not an emotional wreck but he wore his feelings on the outside. He always looked a little lost, fear hiding behind his eyes. He was losing his dad, and had already lost his mom a few yesrs back, and you could just see that hint of a little boy getting ready to cry, "just one more day, one more time to watch a ball game, joke with him, I miss him already". When we got there, the home health aide and I, his boy was pale, shaky, the time had fnally come, and how do you prepare for this? We sat around the table and talked, not just about his dad, but about anything. He visibly relaxed, for a few minutes. There was no hurry now.

We found Mr P. in his bed covered with a sheet, almost as if to hide a mess no one wanted to look at. We uncovered him, layed the head of the bed down, and began our work. First I took out the tubes and bandages, and we washed him, carefully and gently. This time turning him didn't hurt, and we did not feel as bad as we usually did having to move him. We put a clean bandage on his wounds, and a brand new clean tee shirt, and underwear. I rubbed lotion on his arms and legs and we washed his face. We pulled out the dirty sheets beneath him and replaced them with new clean ones. We put a pillow behind his head, and we rolled up the head of the bed. The sheet was folded neatly, and you would almost think he was just sleeping. His boy and his grandson peeked into the room, this time not with fear, but with recognition, this was dad again, not a horror but just dad.

It felt like we gave this boy a gift, the chance to have just a little more time, instead of his last glimpse being his dad hunched over in bed, curled up and dirty, a sheet hastily thrown over him to cover the sight, to have the last picture of his dad one of him resting quietly and peacefully in his bed, of clean sheets and a clean body, no ragged breathing, no more pain.

Riverdance

2008-01-04T23:10:00.000-08:00

We bought tickets to see Riverdance later this month, will get back about how the show is. I have never been to see them and have always kind of wanter to see this, although, if I had my druthers, I would like to see Circe Du SOleil as much, but this is more affordable. Anyway, it ought to be fun!

A White Christmas!!!!

2008-01-03T21:04:00.000-08:00

gratuitous cute cat pic

2007-12-23T00:29:00.000-08:00

Getting ready for Christmas

2007-12-22T21:55:00.000-08:00

We were shopping today, found a great deal on rain gear from Coastal Farm and Ranch, while in line paying for our gear, I heard a little girl behind me, there with her dad and a brother or two, excitedly chattering about the stuffed fish on the wall above us. "Look Daddy! A Shark! He's smiling! I like smiling sharks!" To which I turned around and said, "so do I!". Actually the shark had a rather large set of teeth, and an open mouth, so I was delighted to see that rather than assuming the big bad fish was going to eat her, she simply assumed he was smiling at her. That is a child who is at ease with her world.

And angel candleholder bought today. One angel has a wing missing, I figure she is the one who flies in circles.
Our nativity

This is a giant marshmallow, for our homemade cocoa and marshmallows

Thanksgivng this year

2007-11-26T07:44:00.000-08:00

Three stuffed turkeys?

The view this morning

2007-11-26T07:39:00.000-08:00

Something to be thankful for
God put on a beautiful show for me this morning

2007-11-08T08:31:00.000-08:00

I really like fall, it is my favorite time of year. Not just because the cool weather sets it, we don't have blazing hot summers in Oregon as a rule, at least they don't last very long when they are hot, a few days in the 100's, several in the 90's and the rest are moderate. It is fairly dry in the summer humidity-wise. The fall brings welcome cool temps but it also brings a quiet that just isn't there in the summer and the sprng. It's the quiet in the house when everyone else has left, and it's just you. The mists begin to shroud the hills and valleys, they soften the hard edges. It's a time of relaxation that I just don't feel in the summer. Summer is time of extremes and fall, for me is a time of balance. Anyway, I got a new camera, and I took a few quick shots around the yard. Enjoy!

My new car

2007-11-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

"Sigh"

A recent day trip

2007-10-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

We wanted to take a day trip in September, decided on Seattle. We had gone on the underground tour in the past but not with the kids. Got a few neat shots, I really wanted PC doc to get a good shot of one of the tour guides Angus, in his "utilikilt", mostly because 1) Angus is a fun name, 2) I like saying Utilikilt, and lastly, well, a good looking, buff Scotsman in a designer kilt is fun to watch. He didn't really get a good shot. Oh well.

tilting at windmills

2007-10-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

Aye faithful Pancho?
We recently switched from dishnetwork to comcast cable. PCdoc got a good combo deal on our internet and tv, which was cheaper than the tv alone had been with dish. I might add that although the internet service is pretty flawless, we have been underwhelmed by the cable tv service, value, lineup, customer care etc.

Anyway, in the process I discoverd that we had an 18 month, not a 12 month agreement with Dish, and stopping it early would cost more than keeping it going at a minimal level. So that's what I did, I kept it on the family lineup which is 19.99/month, and still givesPCdoc his RFDTV, as well as the kids stuff, but doesn't include local channels. We get that on cable to it's ok. We keep the dish reciever on our bedroom TV and the comcast on the big family tv.
In the process of doing this we were required to return one of our recievers to Dish. They sent us a box, pre-labeled and everything, it got packed up and UPS picked it up as scheduled. No problem.

That is until about a month later when I saw a 100 dollar charge on my checking account by Dish. Of course I called. I need to add here that Dish has joined the disturbing trend across the great US of A of hiring out customer support to India, at least as far as I can tell by the lovely british tinged accents I hear. UPS on the other hand uses good old 'merican made folks, no funny pronunciations and impossible to decipher intro's (ello, mee nam ess FRED ((yeah right)), ow mee Iy elp yoo todee??) .

I was told by the first gentleman, Peter?, that we had not returned the reciever. I said we did, and he said that they would refund our money then. Ok, great. So I waited. And so on, doncha know. Of course they didn't. So I called back today, and spoke with Sam. Sam said we didn't return the reciever, and I said we did, and Sam said, did we have the tracking number and I said, no, the label was on the box they sent, there was no reciept to keep and he said, so sorry GI, you have to have the tracking number for us to help you. I said, isn't they your job to find, since I am not lying, and I did send the box, it is obviously an error on their part and he said, as soon as I could produce the tracking number they couild process the refund.
Ok, let me stop here and comment that I have a stubborn streak a mile wide, and I don't like being thwarted, especially when I am in the right. I don't like customer service people telling me they can't or I can't, and i don't like it when people can't do their own job, and I have to do it for them.

So that's basically what I told Sam, that I was pissed they took the money in the first place, that they screwed up and lost the damn reciever, and they were making me pay for their incompetence, and on top of the I would have to prove I returned the thing, and figure out what UPS did with it, when it was their mistake. Slam.

So I called UPS, and asked to be directed to the department that could help me find a package when I didn't have the tracking number. I got disconected. I tried again, this time they were able to get me through to the person who could tell me that, they couldn't help me without the tracking number. So, almost in tears I said, so basically, they can just lie and say they didn't get it and charge me for the item and I can't do a thing about it??? After which I got a key piece of information, the very kind UPS lady told me yes, however if the business sent me the box, THEY HAD THE TRACKING NUMBER.

So after all the conversations with Dish, peter, sam and the rest of the gang, being put on hold, going through the nameless faceless endless morsass of voice recgonition systems, they had the info all along they said I needed to provide. They had it on their little computers all along. Sigh. SO I spoke with Raymond, (at PCDoc's advice I went to tech support rather than billing, thinking it might be somewhere other than Bangladesh). It wasn't, however, I very kindly asked Ray to look up my tracking number on a box sent to me by Dish, which he did in less than 2 minutes flat. I then input this into UPS tracking and saw that the package in question had been delivered over a month ago. I asked Ray to tranfer me to billing so they could take care of the refund but he assured me that was not necessary, he could take care of that, which he did.
I guess I just didn't ask the right question. That's the key isn't, asking the right question, knowing which button to push, knowing who to ask?
And all this before breakfast or coffee...................

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2007-10-10T18:05:00.001-07:00

Some fall pics, the tree you see first can also be seen in the city hill view, it's the really bright one in the middle of the shot at the bottom of the hill.

Vista

2007-10-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Sigh. My husband upgraded my computer and added vista as my operating system. Now I can't post pictures on my blog. I don't kknow why. I unblocked popups, I don't know what else to try. It also won't let my computer remember my filled in field info, which I kinds like my computer to do. It helps as I don't always write things down. What's so great about vista? I guess it has the ability to run as if you had two different computers. Sort of a virtual thing. Why I would ever want to do this is beyond me, I have enough trouble making one work. It's just like cars, I really just want it to work, and I don't want to have to go through any gymnastics, mental or physical to make that happen. He is going to put windows "something else" back on, goody!

2007-08-19T12:29:00.000-07:00

I will be taking a vacation starting this wednesday, for a little over a week. This will be my first real vacation in a few years, although working half time most of the time meant that I never accumulated my time off and didn't get as tired as I do now working full time. The kids and I will have some much needed time together, and hope to do some fun things. I have a free pass to Wunderland Nickel arcade , along with 100 free nickels. I hope to take the kids to Oaks Park on the tuesday two for one day, and probably a picnic to bring along. We may go to Bonneville Dam and the fish hatchery. There's a lot to do, and I've got a week left of summer to enjoy it.

2007-08-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

Clinton a Drag? Dems Fear Her Negatives
Hmm, and this they are just figuring out? That Hil is polarizing, and she sets some people on edge, causing republicans who might otherwise not get off thier bible belting, gun toting, conservative asses and vote? I thought that the lowest turnout of voters is in the young liberal crowd, the ones most likely to complain about the usurper in chief in office right now. I don't honestly know who she is supposed to appeal to most, who is her base? Is it feminists? Not a big voting segment, perhaps it is the balding, birkenstock wearing long haired aging liberals I see padding around Powell's, trying to look intellectual and sound cooly aloof yet compassionate. I would think she would be a big turnoff to most younger folks, probably reminds them of their owm mothers, what do you do when the up and coming generations reject you and your liberal ideals because you are the establishment? What a pickle! I dunno. I would not vote for her because she seems fake to me. I doubt her principles.

What I got for my birthday

2007-08-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

My husband bought me an Enya CD, one we have not heard before, and a Reader's Digest DVD series of American Roadtrips. It is neat, we like roadtrips, it's like watching someone's tavellogue, or an extended ad for the chamber of commerce.
My mom bought me a digital photo frame. What fun, it is just like a little computer screen, and this one eats whatever memory I have, sc card, cf card, xd card, it even has a usb port I could use a thumb drive in. It plays music, has little built in speakers, so you can play mp3's along with looking at your pictures. Picture quality is fine, most of my pics are pretty good to begin with, a few look a little pixilated, but in general it is very sharp.

Ah, Finally some breathing room

2007-08-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

It's funny how you can get so "head down, shoulders into the wind, focused on getting from here there" busy. Work really is going well but the long days, 10 hours which amount to 12 by the time you leave for work and pull back into the driveway, make me tired. By the time I get back home at 7pm or so, I just want to stare at the four walls and do nothing. We are trying really hard to plan ahead for things like dinner, and PCDoc is really pitching it to help. I appreciate that mroe than I can say, because it appears that no matter how much I work, everyone just assumes it's my job, to cook, clean, wash dishes do laundry etc. It's their default setting. The kids are, albeit unwilliingly, pitching in more too and it helps. It has been so long since I worked out of the house full time, we forget what that is like.

I haven't had much chance to take more pics, we haven't really gotten to go anywhere, although the Doc and I went up to Leavenworth for a day while the kids were away at camp at the end of July. It was a nice trip but long and kind of expensive. I found some cute little yellow Lemon Verbena soaps, just the size of an almond, or a little bigger, and bought a bunch, they look like candy in a bowl, and they smell wonderful. French milled soaps, lather great and your hands feel soft.
Speaking of hands, I have found my hands getting rougher and rougher as the days go on. That spray on hand cleanser they make us use is terrible, and summer just dries them out. I need to keep lotion on them.
It was my birthday yesterday and I had a great day. I cooked pork ribs and bought corn and melons, my mom bought a mocha cake from the Tollgate Inn in Sandy, which was wonderful, think of a cake that tastes like the best latte and that is something close, We expected it to have chocolate, but it didn't really, it was more creamy coffe flavor. Oh well, it was good. It's funny, the Tollgate Inn has been there for years, and they have no website, the best I could do was the citysearch site, places that we just know because they have always been there, like Calamity Janes, the Oregon Candy Farm, and so many others that we grew up with. The one I miss the most was The Carnival, a little flame broiled burger place, back when flame broiled meant cooked over a real flame, not a gas burner, that was the great grandpa to Fuddruckers, fix your own style, which is now, sadly, gone from the site. Not just closed, but the little corner of Sam Jackson Park Road on which it sat (it's just a wide spot in the windy road heading up to Pill Hill), is empty, wiped away. Sadly. I didn't mean for this to turn into a review of my favorite eateries in town, maybe that's what happens when you turn forty one, you go all maudlin.

The kids and I layed out last night of sleeping bags and watched the Perseids, although by midnight clouds moved in and obscured our view. What we saw were pretty. I like to think of themn as part of my birthday celebration. Celestial fireworks. Once when I was a teenager, long before ai got to know God better and was still just wondering if he was really there at all, I was sleeping out on our deck one night. As I was looking at the sky my thoughts turned to asking myself that question, and no sooner did the thought run through my head that the brightest streaking meeor shot across the sky, in perfect answer to my question. Not one of those little puny things, this was fireball sized. It took my breath away. I should have known then that God was more than willing to make himself know tho thos who sincerely seek him. Any way, the kidlings really enjoyed it and so did I.

2007-07-14T01:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, I really am alive but I have been gosh-awful busy and working lots of weekends. Job is going well except this week I lost 3 patients in a row. Kinda rough. Also my camera broke. Well, actually, I took it too the beach and it got sand in the works. I am hoping for a replacement. We had an earthquake wednesday, it felt like the house shaking when the dryer is in spin, except the dryer wasn't running.

2007-06-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

I have one lady I am caring for who is sweet and funny. She is always smiling, and laughing, although she is in chronic pain. She has a glamor shot pic of her on her wall. We talked about what she wants to do, and she said she wants to dance again. She can't right now as she is just too frail, needs a walker. The last time I saw her this past week she had gone out to lunch with her kids, she said it was a nice goodbye. I asked her is she was going somewhere, and she smiled and said yes. She said Jesus was going to come carry her up to heaven. She is doing fine, as far as I can see, and is as alert as ever, but I have heard that people sometimes know when they are going to die before anyone else does. I asked if she was going to be there when Icome back on Monday, she said she didn't know. I wonder if she will be? I guess if not, she will be busy dancing.

Seaside for the weekend

2007-06-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

We went to seaside for the weekend for SEAPAC, a ham radio convention. It was fun, especially for PC Doc, but we all enjoyed camping. The kids saw a movie about the Columbia River at the evening presentation at the campground, which even I found interesting. The boy won a radio at the convention, a Yeasu Triband handheld, Dad was very grateful, since yon boy has no ham radio license and cannot operate said radio. He can have it when he gets his license dad says. OK then.

A couple of cuties

The Carousel at the Mall

Ok, I know it doesn't look crowded but off picture there were lots of people and this is Oregon, our beaches are wide open, it is possible to still find beaches with only one or two people on them, just not at Seaside, especially when Portland is hot.

Niece at the beach

The yard part 3

2007-06-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

So, we are basically done with the bulk of the work, we still have a hillside to terrace, and since we started the other side yard we should finish it. It will look nice also, it looks great now. It is so nice to sit on the patio, enjoy a crackling fire in the chimnea, gaze at the green. When the sod is set and can be used, it will be nice to sit in the evening and enjoy our other side yard, we need to get seating there but that will happen. Since we have no backyard we want to make full use of the yard we do have, and this will make our resale much higher later on. Everyone wants a huge back yard especially if you have kids, but the people who built this house built it for an older couple who were pretty debilitated and had no use for a back yard. They apperantly didn't have a use for a front yard either, because they barkdusted it and put in some plants and left it at that. Out neighbors are so happy to see grass instead. As a reminder, here is where we started,

The grass on pallets, delivered at 7:54 am

The sod getting layed down
......almost done
almost......

TADA!

and the side yard

The side yard close up. We want to have a seating area here, and maybe a chiminea

And because we had so much sod, we started the other side yard, which we had not planned. It looks nice too, especially from the patio.

My son, working very hard indeed.

The side yard again

The view from the patio.

2007-06-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

Gay Groups Decry Surgeon General Nominee

So, Bush's nominee for Surgeon General is under fire because 16 years ago he wrote an article stating that sex between gay men is not natural and carries a higher risk of injury or disease. I did not think the veracity of this fact was in question. Does this make him a homophobe or a twisted individual? If the church was debating whether to condemn or condone the use of alcohol and he wrote an article saying that alcoholism (admittedly not a lifestyle choice and notably familially linked) put one at higher risk for medical and health problems would one consider him twisted and alcoholaphobic? I do not see the difference really, and am not sure why one would draw some conclusion about his ability as a medical professional becasue he holds an accurate opinion about the medical risks carried by certain behaviors. How odd.

"Sixteen years ago, he wrote a paper for the church in which he likened the reproductive organs to male and female "pipe fittings" and argued that homosexuality is therefore biologically unnatural.
"When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and diseases may occur," Holsinger wrote, citing studies showing higher rates of sexually transmitted diseases among gay men and the risk of injury from anal sex.
Holsinger wrote the paper at a time when the church was one of numerous denominations considering a more open stance on allowing practicing homosexuals to join. It took that step in 1992, saying gays are of "sacred worth" who should be welcomed. Practicing homosexuals are still prohibited from serving in the clergy.
Gilgor, the gay rights activist, called the paper "one twisted piece of work.""

http://www.thebody.com/content/art2282.html
Just so you don't think I am making this up or pulling info out of this air, this is from a gay support website, of course things are couched cautiously (ie., "it has been reported that" ...gay men are at higher risk for alcohol abuse, drug abuse, liver cancer due to alcohol abuse, etc) but it can't escape the fact that there are health risks associated with being a gay man. No judgement being made, just that facts are facts, and people ought not be lambasted for stating the facts, just because one might not like the facts.

Guess what else I have been spending my money on?

2007-05-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

and the work goes on........

2007-05-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is a midway point, where the ties were in and the weedstop was being laid down
here is the side yard, dirted and ready to be grassy
A view of the front yard, all done except for the sod that will come in two weeks
And my rock garden, there is a dry creekbed in the midddle of it

2007-05-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

One of our Peace roses, with a bee in the middle
and a close up of another one on the same bush
one of the deep purple rhodie

what I have been spending my time and money on....

2007-05-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

Our side yard that will be lawn, terraced on the hillside, and will put the chiminea and seating for a nice quiet secluded corner to sip coffee and enjoy the peace. Note the tiki torches, PCDoc loves tiki torches.
This is the hugest lemon balm you have ever seen, and it smells so good!
One of my rhodies.
One of two dogwoods we put in our front yard
my hens and chicks
one of our four beautiful rose bushes
the railroad ties that will border our lawn, retain the yard somewhat
and the is the yard itself, which will be lawn
the corner rock and rhodie garden
this are will be filled in with rocks to make it a real rock garden. I will also plant thyme or some creeper to cover some of the rock
our patio, note the chiminea; PCDoc also loves chiminea. My favorite is the table, it has tile inset, it's like an ourdoor coffee table, 39.97 at Bimart!
And the grill, do you see the shaft of light hitting it? PCDoc has been mourning ever since our grill bought last year grew legs and walked away, we finally replaced it. It has three burners, a side burner and end tables. He loves to burn meat.
And another one of my roses, close up. These guys grow 7 + feet tall by the end of summer. mostly I just try to keep them under control.
One of the 6 inch across blooms
And, our 10 cubic yard pile of dirt. This will cover the yard which will first be mowed and covered in fabric, and eventually sodded.

2007-05-09T07:55:00.001-07:00

What I am learning

2007-05-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

I have read some books on death and dying and on hospice nursing, since this is a new arena for me, and many of them say that we are constantly learning from our patients, that we need to remember that and be aware of what this person is trying to teach us.
I am learning that I should never assume that something is attributed to something else just because it seems to be, don't make assumptions, consider other possibilities. One lady I cared for had a change in her medicine and shortly after began choking and being unable to swallow. We thought it was the medicine, or I did, the Dr told me don't assume. She died shortly after presumably from a stroke, so it quite possibly was not the medicine, but indeed some kind of neurological event. However, sometimes things are exactly what they seem, you never know.
I am learning that if there is anyway possible, help a dying person with their dying wish. Someone I was caring for dies yesterday, and she had had to move from her home of many years as she was increasingly unsafe in her home, and no one could stay there to care for her. She looked like she was dying earlier this week, and probably was, but Friday she began to get agitated, even getting up and walking around trying to get her shoes on, begging us to take her to her home. She said, "I could sleep, if I could just get into my own bed". We couldn't do it and she was wearing out her caregiver, her family her friends, no one could go sit with her. We sent her to the hospital to get her meds changed and calm her down enough to return to the foster home, but as soon as her head hit the sheets there, she died. I know we have no idea how long someone has, but if we knew that this was her dying wish, could we have found a way to get her home for the night? Probably.
I am learning that when people are getting close, they really do see loved ones who have died before them. I asked one family if their dying family member had seen any people who had died, and the mom said her son was talking to a family member who had died. People go on, and when they are close to dying, they seem to have one foot here and one foot there. It doesn't seem to be scary, what they see seems benign or loving. One mom got upset when I asked if her son was hallucinating, she said "he isn't crazy you know". I said, hallucination is just a word we use for something one person can see that another person can't. I am not making judgements, but if someone is perceiving something we aren't, medical science can't explain that, they have to call it something.
I am learning that death is inevitable. It will happen. Sometimes people don't want it and other times people long for it, it doesn't happen fast enough. Either way, peoples lives wind down as they should and as they will. I used to worry about doing something that would kill someone, making a mistake. That makes it hard to be a nurse, and it always haunted me. I feel better about that, I have realized that people are pretty durable, (but I still hate central lines, they seem so invasive, so direct, like sending an arrow to the heart). Yuck. Anyway, I see people endure amazing amounts of abuse and keep ticking. Other people slip away for no apperant reason. I think we as medical professionals have the power to help, but in the end, we aren't as powerful as we think. We can't keep a person alive whose time has come to go or who simply has lost the will to go on. We might delay it by a few hours or days, but we don't really change the outcome by much. People seem to know what they need, and what they want, and you have to let them direct the process. We might think a certain thing is best but it doesn't matter at all if the patient disagrees, they will do what they want, we have to respect that.
That's a lot in a couple of months.

girls

2007-05-03T14:51:00.000-07:00

What is it about teen girls that makes them spend hours in the bathroom? It isn't make up, she doesn't wear much. I can understand with boys, but what can she be doing in there? She comes home from school, goes immediately in the throne room, and locks the door. There she stays, hour after hour. Her butt must be hambuger. Her brother has to run around looing for a vacant room when he has to go. He goes in, does his business, and exits. Not her. Nope, tick, tock, count the minutes that turn into hours. Maybe it is just my kid that does that, but it sure is annoying.

Maybe it's just me

2007-05-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just me but, the ad on TV about the kid who has to bring 5 dozen cupcakes to school the next day, mom says "oh,no, what will we do?" (as if), and the kid chimes in "I'll help!" (as if x infinity). They proceed to make said treats, using Bounty Paper Towels to clean up as they go, because, they are, after all, the quicker picker upper (not to be confused with coffee and doghnuts or redbull and kahlua. It is, as ads go, pretty innocuous, but there is one thing that bugs me, enough to write to P&G and tell them, because someone on their ad staff is either asleep at the wheel or has not had kids in school for, say, 20 + years; everyone knows that you can't bring homemade treats to school. If you attempt to you will be tackled at the door, hogtied, said treats will be surrounded by a negative pressure, bombproof, germ proof, leak proof, hazmat enclosure and FEMA/DEA/ATF/CDC/FDA and the NIH will be brought in to contain the menace. Really. They must be store bought, mass produced, safety packaged, appropriately supervised. You never know when a stray peanut or perhaps a hair might get into a treat and cause the school to be sued for everything their worth, seeing as how they are so strapped as it is, what with the parents buying $100-$200 worth of school supplies every year, our measly contributions not amounting to a hill o'beans, could be completely gutted by one bad brownie. Of course, I see down the road, where due to the dietary Nazi's who are banning transfats at an unprecedented rate, because, you know we just can't be allowed to ruin our health as we see fit, we must be HELPED, we can't be trusted you know, store bought goodies are going to be just as verbooten. It'sa coming, just you wait and see. Pretty soon, the poor little boogers will only be able to snack on carrot sticks and apple slices, after they have been xrayed, decontaminated, checked for ecoli, salmonella and nits. *sigh*.
Anyway, I needed to let them know that, because, well, it just bugs me.

Memaloose State Park

2007-04-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

Oh, and just because it looks cool, this wasn't Memaloose, it was in my front yard. Click on it, I didn't know the detail until I saw it up close, you can see these beautiful water drops standing on the edge and one about to drop from the bottom of the petal. It is exquisite.

Goldfish and the object lesson

2007-04-22T21:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I need to blog about this, because it weighs on me and I found it disturbing, and I think, maybe it's just me, maybe it isn't. Do I need confirmation for feeling a certain way? Not really, but I wonder if this seems as wierd to anyone else.

I went to church today, we haven't really been going regularly anyway, but it is the church my kids go to for youth group. Seems to me the last time I went I had to blog about it also. Hmmmm.
The sermon was delivered by the youth pastor, and it went something like this....he walks to the podium, and starts to take a drink of water from a cup, stops and says there is something in the water. He pours the water out of the cup intoa pitcher on the table, holding his hand across the top to strain what is inside. He then pours what is in the cup onto the table top, and it is live goldfish. There they are flopping around on the table and onto the floor. He walks away and leaves them there, goes to the podium and begins his talk.
Everyone is pretty much sitting there gaping, no one really knows what to do, this goes on for a while and eventually a couple of the teen age girls goes up and scoop them back into the water pitcher.
At the end of the sermon he says the thing is, when the fish were in the cup, he knew what the problem was, but we didn't, when he dumped them out we all knew what the problem was, and what needed to be done. We simply had to put them back in the water. When we see people who are floundering, we know what they need, we need to overcome our own discomfort and act, tell them about God, do the thing you know needs to be done.
While I certainly understand the object lesson, I am horrified that this guy would be willing to dump a hundred or so goldfish out to prove a point. I also think that in the middle of a church service, it is unfair to pull this stunt, and then point out how long it takes for people to respond, when no one really knew what his plan was. You're sitting there and you're thinking, surely he won't just leave them there, this is a church, why would someone do something so horrible in a church? It feels like a kind of violence, an assault on one, emotionally, to witness. I think it is manipulative to try to make people feel bad about not running up there,w hen we don't know what his plan was, he dumped them out, on purpose, it is part of the lesson, what are we supposed to do? I don't think God tries to make us feel bad in order to make us behave a certain way, nor does he hurt other things to make us behave a certain way. I found this disturbing and upsetting. I wonder, is this the place for me and my kids?

some more pics from Belknap Hot springs

2007-04-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

I always wanted to be a photographer, but never pursued that line. I love digital cameras, I get instant gratification and I don't have to waste money developing crummy pictures. These are a few I took on our trip to Belknap.

I love this one, you can almost see the water running, it is a spring along the trail to the gardens.

Books I haven't read in forever

2007-04-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

So, this is kind of exciting, and kind of funny. I remember in jr and sr high being very fascinated with science and physics and trying to understand how it all worked. I loved reading about this, but I hated the math part and it made it tough to really grasp the topic. But I tried. My son is getting fascinated by it now too, his science class is beginning to talk about physics and he is so gung ho, he says he just wants to move on and learn all he can about it. I read some great books at his age, I especially liked reading about Richard Feynman, very funny person, very interesting writer, I loved looking at MC Escher, I would spend hours tracing around his little labyrinths and designs. I remember one book called godel escher bach, but it was one that I had to wade through a bunch of times, it was tougher to chew, not soft and springy like a twinkie. I ordered my son some of the feynman books I enjoyed, and one called flat land, to help him understand dimensional space, and godel escher bcah, well, just because the kid is a little cocky, and either it'll give him a headache or he'll get it and explain it to me. It is just really cool to see him getting so excited about things, and I remember feeling like that too. This kid is the one who is most like me, I understand what he is thinking and I just get him. He likes the things I like although he can talk my ears off about gaming and stuff I don't care about. He really enjoys having these deep philosophical discussions, great for a 12 year old. I wonder if he will go through the same trouble I did, wanting to fit it but knowing I didn't really. Noone else wanted to talk about that stuff when I was his age, and it made boys look at you funny. No that he cares how boys look at him. I think he will be ok, he seems pretty ok with himself, comfortable in his own skin, he doesn't seem bothered by anyone's opinion of him, except of course for us, his parents. Never has been, either.

2007-04-07T15:37:00.000-07:00

We have done these cookies every year for the last several years, and I appreciate that it walks the kids through the story in a hands on kind of way, much more so than trying to make some connection between rabbits and eggs and Jesus. Logistically, you have to start beating the egg whites to a soft peak before adding the sugar or it just never gets firm, you end up with puddles not peaks. Also, they stick to everything, you don't get neat little cookies you can pick up and eat, they turn into dust. But they taste wonderful! Maybe I will find a silpat and see if that stays nonstick better......
I seem to be the only eater of the cookies but the kids like making them so, here we go again!

EASTER STORY COOKIES
To be made the evening before Easter
You need:
1 cup whole pecans
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. vinegar
zipper baggie
3 egg whites
wooden spoon
pinch salt
tape
Bible
Preheat oven to 300 degrees (this is important-don't wait until you're half done with the recipe!)
Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was beaten by the Roman soldiers. Read John 19:1-3.
Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink. Read John 19:28-30.
Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life. Read John 10:10-11.
Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. Read Luke 23:27.
So far, the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him. Read Ps. 34:8 and John 3:16.
Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God's eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. Read Isa. 1:18 and John 3:1-3.
Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus' body was laid. Read Matt. 27:57-60.
Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus' tomb was sealed. Read Matt. 27:65-66.
GO TO BED! Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus' followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed. Read John 16:20 and 22.
On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter, Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty. Read Matt. 28:1-9

I, for one, am indescribably grateful for the love God has for me that allowed him to come to earth, stand in my place and put his life on the line, to gain victory over the enslavement, the hold that sin had on our lives. He set me free to be the person he created me to be. He stepped up and took my punishment, my sin on himself before I was even born, and even when I fall flat on my face even now, he still loves me. He is infinitely patient, undeniably in love with me, unbelievably merciful and wonderfully, beautifully present!

Well, sad, sad

2007-03-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

The two people I wrote about yesterday both died. I am glad for them, they didn't linger long. It was a blessing to have been able to work with them both. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't believe in God or an afterlife, what a comfort it is to know they are beyond pain, that their prayers and the prayers of those around them were answered in such a quick, decisive manner. What a blessing to be taken from the world and ushered into a place of peace and rest, to be with God, to see him face to face. Bless the people who cared for these folks, they were loved and well taken care of.

life, death, and all that

2007-03-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

So, I have been hospicing now for about 2 1/2 months. So far the job is going well. I am finding that it is difficult in some ways, that I have not encountered before. I enjoy the continuity I get with following a case load, although I also enjoyed the relative anonymity I enjoyed when I did home care as an on call nurse. Not to mention the variety. It is nice to go into a home however, knowing ahead of time what to expect. I have to live with my decisions, that can be a bit tough, I get to clean up the mess if things don't go well. That is a bit more stressful than before. I worry a bit more about the people I care for, when I am not working. I pray for them more too, because I know them better. So I guess it is good, I have to be more a grownup about my job, more accountable.

Everyone is different and I am finding out that everyone dies differently. You'd think this would be common sense, but our little brains so want to make sense of things, to find a common thread, a sense of stability in an everchanging world, even in death. What will it look like, how will people feel, what do I do for them? Every family comes with their own challenges and needs. I want people to look neat and tidy, and dying people don't always. They don't. I want them clean and dry, resting comfortably in a clean bed, not thrashing about and sweating, with dry cracked lips and rasping breaths. It does look scary, and what am I to do to help a family not be afraid when I am afraid? I am not afraid of death, but the whole dying thing, that is another matter.

One patient is a young man with a brain cancer. It is tough to watch him die. He is running fevers, has been confused all along. His parent is caring for him, but it is tough, a parent watching a kid die. They want to care for him but there is a fear too. They can't understand why he is taking so long to die. He is othewise young and healthy. He says he is a Christian, professes a faith in God. I am glad for that, it would be tragic if he were not. He is a kidder, a real smart ass, you can tell, even in his stupor. I don't know if it would have been a good thing to have known him healthy, smart asses piss me off, this way I can forgive the attitude. Anyway, it is hard to watch an otherwise healthy young man die. For all their saying they have said their goodbys and are ready, there is too much tragedy not yet expressed in that house.

Another person is an older woman, whom supposedly has dementia, although she seems more psych than confused. She is clear and answers questions readily, but is terrible fearful. I hear she has been fearful all her life, and I can see that. Her eyes are wide and darting, she never takes her eyes off you when you are with her. I move very slowly, and I tell her everything I am going to do, and I ask her permission first, I wait until she says yes. She allows me to care for her, and she allows me to pray for her. I pray that God will ease the anxiety. It is the main thing she is suffering from, and it is one thing we can't really medicate away. We tried giving her risperdal, it was working, she was allowing the caregiver to care for her, she was calm. But she stopped being able to swallow. We had to stop the medication. I guess we can go back to the lorazepam, but it isn't so much good for anxiety, it just makes you sleepy, and anxious. I know. I think that for her prayer is the best I can do.

One of the nurses gave me some books to read about hospice. One is very good, Final Gifts, and I would recommend it to anyone who is caring for a dying person or who just wants to know about dying. One is called How we Die. It is kind of a bummer. The author writes from an exclusively humanistic viewpoint, and I don't know about you, but there is nothing that sucks the life out of.....life..... like an atheist. Supposedly a person derives meaning from living their life the best they can because there is nothing else, and that is supposed to bo comforting. This author goes on about how we build up all these myths and layers to insulate us from the ultimate defeat of death, the nothingness that it entails, but we really need to face reality, death is ugly and final.

Well, gee, thanks Mr. Sunshine. I am sorry that he doe not have a personal relationship with his creator, I hope he gets one before he goes not-so-gently into that good night. I do, and I truly believe that the meaning and purpose of my life does not reside only in the physical life of my flesh, but my spirit is eternal, and the life I lead goes on from there. Death is a gateway, not a grave. I know this because God is eternal and he has allowed me to get to know him, both directly and through his written words. He tells me in his written word that we are made in his image and likeness, that there is a life after this one. Jesus talks about the poor man and the rich man who both die, and where they went. They were conscious after death, they knew where they were and where they were not. What absolute crap, and who is he to make himself an authority on what happens after death? He has watched a lot of people die. That is like saying you have sent a lot of people off on voyages, and because you have stood on the dock and watched them leave, you know something about where they went. Anyway, it is helpful in the sense that is helps me to understand the mechanics of what happens to our bodies when they die, but he oversteps it a bit with his attempts to philosophise. Stick to what you know. Anywho, that is my HUMBLE opinion.

Spring flowers

2007-03-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Some of my spring surprises, we didn't know what had been planted at the house we bought, I am glad to see there were some pretties, all over the yard. I will get the tulips when they bloom.

Layers upon layers

2007-03-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

Well, I was seeking further clarification about the trouble my daughter has been having with her scholastic endeavors, by the way she is now officially 14, yes, 14 years old, and boy is she proud, anyway, as I was saying, I was getting a second opinion about her assessments done by the schools last year to qualify her for special ed. She has a good verbal score on her WISC IV, which is an IQ test they use for assessment and screening purposes. Her other scores were all quite a bit lower. The tester(or is it testor?) attributed the lower scores on everything else to her not trying, non participation. They reported the scores cautiously, because of her level of engagement in the process. However, she had significant deficits in many areas, including perceptual reasoning, working memory, processing speed, and her WIAT scores were all on the lower end also, which shows a discrepancy between her ability, at least verbally, and her actual performance. Since they weren't going to say she had an actual LD, because they didn't think she was really trying, they got her ok'd because of emotional disturbance, and got her into a school for kids with emotional disturbances. While it has been helpful for her to get help in the area of behavior, they have taught her lots of great skills she did nto have before, they are not addressing her academic needs, she is still functioning well below grade level and is not improving. She still has trouble with work completion and says she doesn't feel like she is learning anything. She probably isn't.
On the one hand I am glad to hear that it isn't just about her emotional stuff. We knew about her ADD, but I never felt that emotional disturbance explained all her problems. I keep getting told that the ADD isn't a sufficient excuse to explain why she has such behavioral and attitude problems. I am told she is oppositional. I think she is, although I think that I would be too if I was faced with the hurdles I think she is faced with every day. I think I would be very crabby. I have blogged about her ADD in the past, and have gotten comments such as, you'll just medicate her to fix her, that sort of thing. It shows some ignorance, because the ADD is a biochemical problem, and is reasonable to medicate to correct. If she had Diabetes no one would gripe if she took metformin or insulin. Oh well.
Anyway, this Dr is taking her results at face value, her attitude is that kids don't try to do poorly and they really do care what people think, kids won't fail because they want to, they will make all sorts of excuses such as, it's boring, it's stupid, I don't feel like it, because they can't do what they are being asked to do. Taken at face value her tests show she has a nonverbal learning disability, her left brain is working ok in general with some specific deficits, in reading and writing, but her right brain is not working well, which affects her ability to do math and abstract reasoning, interpreting visual patterns, social cues and skills. She does struggle with many of these areas.
My job now is to get this info to the schools and get her IEP changed to reflect this. I don't know how it will go, they were pretty set in the idea she just wasn't trying and that all her problems are emotionsl, with a little bit of effect from the ADD. The good news is this info will help her get into the right school, we want her to go to Thomas Edison HS. It is one of the few high schools in the country which are specific for kids with learning disabilities. I have a lot to learn also, about how I can help her be the best she can be. It is so weird how different brains can be, how differently they work.
I have to admit, I have failed miserably over the years. I have been so angry with her, so frustrated, I have blamed her for not trying, I have accused her of acting stupid. I have compared her with her brother, and probably made her feel like an idiot. I am so sorry for that. I don't mean tobe that way, I don't want to be that way. I think sometimes, why me? I feel so ill equipped. I never struggled in these ways and I have no frame of reference. I have trouble believing her when she just doesn't get it. I trust that God knows what he is doing and that we are her parents for a reason, but I can't see what that is sometimes. I see people who have the kind of temperment that makes them calm and understanding, they don't get mad at their kids for struggling, failing. I don't say it is right, but it is what it is. I am not glad I feel that way but I recognize that I do feel that way. I have dealt with a lot of judgement over the years, if we just did this, if we just did that, parenting is a hard job, no one said it would be easy. Noone who has raised a special needs kid ought to say that, they should know better. Noone knows how hard it is unless they have done it. No one who has not gone through what we have can say how we ought to be, or feel or act. I have to learn how to just let her be her and not hold her up to the same uncompromising mirror I sometimes hold up to myself. Maybe being her parent is for my benefit more than hers. Maybe I am the one who has to learn from her. In that case, she could have done better, and I feel bad for her, she deserves better than I have been able to give her.

Belknap Hot Springs

2007-03-04T19:44:00.000-08:00

Our trip to the hot springs was great. I just wish I could have gotten more pictures, captured a few more of the beautiful things I saw. Oh well, it is what it is. I am still getting the hang of this camera, the different settings, etc.

A field near our campsite, steam from the hot spring pool kept wafting across.

Cougar Dam resevoir

And again, Cougar Resevior

oh the weather outside is frightful

2007-02-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is Oregon in March (or februaruy, whatever). It has in the last 5 minutes gone from hailing to snowing and now it is sunny. What should I wear?

what's for dinner!

2007-02-21T08:27:00.000-08:00

Now that I am working full time dinner is a problem. We end up eating out a lot. Too much, but there isn't much I can do about it. I work ten hour shifts, 8 to 630, and I don't get home until around 7. I have one evening off each week, in addition to the weekends. It just isn't enough time to get things ready, to put together anything decent. We have a friend who uses "dinners done right", one of those meal prep services, and he swears by it. For less than 170 dollars we can get 12 meals ready to cook, made from fresh ingredients that we can take out of the freezer and cook. There are side dishes available but I think we can manage salad and rolls on our own. Anyway, we will give it a shot and see how it works! I might add we spend that much eating out in any given month or less, and it is much less healthy.

New job

2007-02-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, I have been three weeks on the new new job. I love it. What a difference. I actually enjoy what I am doing, enjoy going to work. I am doing hospice nursing. I have done some in the past but mostly as an on call, no case management, and as such I did not have much continuity. I enjoyed it but got tired of the driving, our territory was huge and as on call I had no territory. I am making good money, working 4 tens, and have most weekends off. I get to spend lots of time helping people who really appreciate what I am doing and I feel competent. I hate jobs where not matter how hard you try you feel like a failure. This is so much better. Thank you God! I even get to work in a faith based company so we get to, are encouraged to pray with people. What a concept.

Beaches, crunches, pet peeves

2007-02-07T10:23:00.000-08:00

I woke up last week in the middle of the night hearing a loud crunch in my mouth, I had evidently been grinding my teeth, and broke something. I thought I had just broke a piece off of my tooth but I cracked the whole tooth. It hurt for a day or so and now feels fine, but I will need a crown, which I am scheduled to do in two weeks. I think it will be a gold crown, I always wanted a crown,just not in my mouth.

My cat is playing with a piece of grass or a bug or something in the kitchen, he acts like he is the mighty hunter stalking his prey, attacking, killing, whatever. It's just a little bug or not even that, he can get more mileage out of a twisty tie than any living creature I have seen. Very cute.

We went to the beach weekend before last, my husband and I. The kids were at winter church camp, so we were alone. We stayed at a little place in Lincoln City, right on the beach. The casino beckoned and we responded, coughing up our cash like little kitties with a big hairball problem. Oh well, it was fun, if not lucrative.

I am wondering, I have been taking my kids to a local church for the last 6 months or so, they have a smaller but very active youth group and I really want to encourage them to make and keep connections with a church group that teaches and emphasizes Christian values and developing a relationship with God. I give them what I can, but kids need a peer group too, and one that models Christian values is better than the crap they get int he world. That being said, I want my kids to experience human interactions, learn social skills, etc. The pastor at this church, which is not large but not tiny, about 50-75, gave a sermon about sex last week. It is part of a series. This was about holiness and hormones existing together in harmony. Or something like that. He made a big point about how teens should not play with fire,that they are tempting disaster if they do. My daughter has a "boyfriend" at this church, little more than smile, giggle and hand holding, and he is a very nice boy, very polite. I don't know if it was aimed at her or the fact that they are a "couple", but he obviously feels this is way too young to let kids even pretend to play at dating.

I may be wrong, and I may be being too lenient, but they have no unchaperoned time, he calls her at home when she is allowed on the phone (after homework, not when we aren't there etc), they don't date, although if they wanted to go to a movie I would let them.

He talks about starting a fire you can't put out. I can kind of see that, but is 13 or 14 too early to let kids start interacting with the opposite sex in a less general manner under well controlled circumstances? Am I setting her up to be frustrated and to get into trouble?

Here is my observation. The other girls, even those who are Christian, talk about boys, some of them run around with boys without their parents knowledge or permission, they notice the opposite sex, they dress a certain way to get attention from them, and so on. Am I wrong in allowing my daughter to have a friend who is a boy, who she likes, and who is nice to her, be a special friend, at the age of almost 14?

I guess for me it seems almost tame in comparison to what I was doing at that point, and I know she is noticing them anyway, isn't forbidden fruit worse than allowing an outlet to participate in activities in a supervised manner, better than forcing her to hide and sneak, which is what the other girls do? Not all of them, there are girls who are committed Christians and are committed to chastity before marriage. I am proud of them. I don't know that she is, she says she understands sex before marriage is wrong, and why, and we have taught her what we believe, but I don't know if her commitment to the Lord is such that she would abstain due to her values (you can lead a horse to water....). I don't know how to make that happen for her. It didn't for me until I was 30. I was 30 before I had the moral compass and impetus to do what God wanted me to. I believe that will happen for her, and I am providing structure and guidance, I don't know how to make it happen.

I would rather see her have chance to learn social skills when I am here to help guide her than to make it not ok to the point where she sneaks, or to have her feel uncomfortable interacting with the other gender. I know it (social maturity) will happen as life goes on, but why not allow her chances to see how a boy should act, and to be involved so that if a boy is not behaving we can talk about it and intervene? I didn't know, I let guys walk all over me, and I took a lot of crud I should not have. That is my experience of letting nature take it's course. I had boys slap me, force sexual situations I didn't necessarily want, put me down, and generally wear down my self esteem. Pushing it underground won't make it go away, but acknowledging it is there and giving it a structure may help her not go through what I did.

I am thinking that my idea of structure is different from theirs. They want me to tell my daughter she can't date, can't have a boyfriend, until, well, I don't know when they felt that would be ok, I guess until she is ready to start finding a husband. That could be 18, 20, 30. Who knows. I am not saying they are wrong, but what I don't know is, am I wrong? I would welcome peoples' thoughts, especially from a Christian viewpoint. I know that is a wide open field, and I am probably inviting trouble, but I do wonder if I am off base. Her dad would say she shouldn't look at boys until she is 18 and out of the house but that is not what he expects, he just hates dealing with his baby girl becoming a woman, and the whole thing makes him uncomfortable. He is not dealing well with fatherhood and all it's challenges.

American Idle

2007-01-21T09:48:00.000-08:00

I don't watch American Idol so I am probably not the best equipped to comment, not that I will let that stop me. I have seen it occasionally, and I have read the comments that our media are saying are objectionable. I don't think they are any worse than they used to be, I just think that what people are realizing that what they used to think was funny, just isn't. Used to be people laughed at the acerbic comments, because they were usually justified to some extent, due to the horribleness of the acts that were shown. The criticism may be justified but not the personal nature of the attacks, and people realize that putting others down for the amusement of the viewing audience isn't really entertainment.

Here fishy fishy fishy

2007-01-18T12:39:00.000-08:00

I am playing this game Fish Tycoon today. It is fun. I usually don't like computer games, but this is kind of cool in a Gregor Mendel kind of way.

2007-01-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

"I made a terrible, terrible mistake," he said. "I was ill. I didn't understand. . . . I was a special education student myself. I know what it is like to feel that way."

So this is what Mr Chinn says in response to his really really bad remarks.
How was he ill? Is stupidity and bad taste an illness?

He didn't understand, really? He says he was a special ed student himself, I seriously doubt, if he was, that he didn't "understand".

He knows what it is like to feel that way? Really? Then he is without excuse. He is either a liar, or he means what he says and is therefore a hypocrite. In either case he isn't ill.

He is right, he made a terrible mistake.

multnomah county ESD board

2007-01-17T08:51:00.000-08:00

So Mr Chinn makes this comment about a physically disable student who they were going to place in a class with mentally disabled students, whom he describes as "slabs, low, slow and belows", you all know what I mean........

I am sad to hear this kind of crap coming from the board of a ESD, knowing the struggle I went through to get the help my daughter needed after 7 years in school. Listening to her teachers tell me she had a bad attitude, that she was probably not receiving the support she needed at home, that we were not giving her the discipline she needed. I was also told, even after she was diagnosed with ADD that she would not be able to get special services, don't even bother trying, they don't do that for kids like her, she needed to have a real disability. I think 7 years of failing in school indicates a real disability. But these are comments from teachers, and counselors, those people most closely invovled in the care of kids, and involved in the identification of kids with special needs. I had to stop working and fight full time to get her services she needed. She is not low, slow or below, she has trouble taking in information and paying attention. She has trouble processing what she hears and reads. She has trouble managing her behavior, she is impulsive and easily frustrated. She is many things but she is not stupid. You know what she says when she is frustrated and upset? I am so stupid! Thanks to people like Mr Chinn, that is the message she gets.

I am sad but not surprised. There is so much misinformation out there even within the educational establishments. You would think they would know better but I don't count on it.

It isn't just education, it is in all walks of life. People generally know that it just isn't ok to make fun of people with disabilities, people of a different race, people who are just different in any way, but that doesn't stop them, especially if they feel they are in a safe place to do so (although in the middle of a public ESD board metting hardle seems a safe place). Is it publically ok for stupid people, old and young, to make fun of others? I was in a tai chi class several years back, trying to get healthier. Some old broad who was obviously poorly brought up, says to me after class "I thought all you young people cared about being in shape (I am and was overweight)" smirking as she said it. Well, what the hell was I doing there in the first place if not trying to get in shape? How does it help people who are not perfect but trying to do something about it to belittle them?

Some people just feel it is their right and their job to point out the flaws in everyone around them. Why? I don't know. Wh does anyone think it's ok to sit back and speculate on what is the "matter" with those around them, veiwing every flaw, fault and ragged edge as under a microscope. How dare anyone come out of their cave less than perfect? How dare those stinky people ride the bus, and sit next to me, how dare those obnoxious, uneducated bufoons walk up to me in the grocery store or Dr office and try to make small talk when it is obviously a second language. How dare we all be so HUMAN, what maroons! How dare those stupid kids try to get an education when they so obviously aren't going to benefit from it. Why not just put them to work in the menial trade industries now and save our resources for the ones that really matter?

My daughter got an assignment sent home to be redone because her teacher didn't believe she really did it, said she took it off the internet. Why? Because she used paragraphs. She told me, Mom, I know how to use paragraphs, I just don't bother to. I know, that is one of her problems, she knows better. But her teacher is instilling in her the idea that she is incapable of producing good work.

Look beyond the present reality folks, become a prophet, see what lies hidden beneath the exterior. REVEAL CODES! This is what God does to us all the time. We only look at the outside, look within, look to the spirit. I know, you can't see it, but you can sense it! Speak not to what you see but to what is possible! Stop speaking to the problem, we all know what that is, speak to the solution. Get beyond yourself and others, see it from God's point of view.

reprint of oregonian article

2007-01-17T08:50:00.000-08:00

Official urged to resign over special-ed remarks
Multnomah ESD - Ron Chinn apologizes for his description of students
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
KIMBERLY MELTON The Oregonian
The Oregonian
The Multnomah Education Service District's superintendent, department directors and one board member called for board member Ron Chinn's resignation Tuesday night in response to his comments about special education students.

"We have heard some strong comments from the public, parents and staff," Superintendent Ed Schmitt said. "I would ask you to think hard about a noble course of action and what you should do next for the good of the agency -- step down and walk away."

The board approved, 5-0, a resolution censuring Chinn for referring to special education students as "slabs -- slow, low and belows" during a December meeting. Board member Geri Washington was absent, and Chinn abstained.

Before the resolution was approved, Chinn apologized for his comments.

"I made a terrible, terrible mistake," he said. "I was ill. I didn't understand. . . . I was a special education student myself. I know what it is like to feel that way."

The district received more than 30 e-mails, letters and phone calls Tuesday, many asking Chinn to resign. Chinn said Tuesday night he would consider it.

He also issued an apology in an interview earlier Tuesday.

"I know it now to be an error," he said in the interview. "In no way did I intend to be that way. . . . I'm very sorry. It will never happen again."

Chinn has been on the service district board since 1997 and said he has always been committed to improving the experience of special needs students.

"My first and foremost efforts have been to ensure that the children of Multnomah County get the education they need no matter their circumstances," he said. "The important work that we do there has been derailed over a mistake I made. I am very regretful."

Chinn, who represents Southwest/Southeast Portland, said he has not decided whether he will run for re-election in May.

Kimberly Melton: 503-294-5938, kimmelton@news.oregonian.com

©2007 The Oregonian

It's snowing!!!

2007-01-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

new job

2007-01-13T10:14:00.000-08:00

OK, it's 25 degrees outside. It is cold. So cold.....
I quit my job yesterday. I hate doing that but this was a really wretched job. I was disappointed, I tried very hard, but it just felt like I was never going to get the work done. I am a INFJ (see meyers-briggs)and as such need to get things done. I hate to have loose ends and this place was like a macrame house unravelling. I tried to get as much done as I could so that there was not a bunch of work left unfinished. But it was never going to get all done. SO many people feeling so demoralized there. Typical nursing home.
They cut and cut and cut trying to wring every penny out of those places until the people who work there are dried up and have given all they can, then they bring in a new crop of ~~victims~~ people who will do the job.

Goodbye

2007-01-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

Goodbye Doug, we will miss you but are glad that you are in God's hands. Thank you for being a kind, gentle soul, and for guiding your family and friends with a calm presence. You were and are a good, Christian man. God bless you!

2007-01-01T12:50:00.000-08:00

new year

2007-01-01T12:27:00.000-08:00

Do you know you're his favorite? If you don't, you should, you are. I think we can come up with many reasons we are unlovable, but he only needs one reason to love us; I think, most often, that reason is because it pleases him to do so. There are some things he made just becasue they are lovely, not because they do something wonderful or accomplish great things. Just because it pleased him to do so. Do you know you are his favorite? You should.

2006-12-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know when I first questioned whether Santa was real or not, probably 2 or 3 grade. I was always the kind of kid that wanted to know, not what was possible, but what was allowed. Tell me the rules. I wanted to know what was true. For a kid, what is true is pretty black and white, something either is or is not true. I still think that is true but our real understanding of the big picture is limited, so some things can be true but not look it, and other things can look as true as gold and yet be false.

I understand now that there are layers beyond the one I can see and feel, touch. Santa really was a bishop in Turkey a long time ago and he really was a giver to the poor and children. He was a person, and the spirit he engenders is still with us today. I think that it is not untrue to say that he is alive in the sense of that spirit. But behind that is the overarching presence of Jesus, it is God to whom we are really giving the gift, and whose spirit motivates us to be generous, to help others. Santa was a man of God and I do think that if he were alive in the flesh he would no more want to stand in God's place in our hearts than would Mary or Moses or any other great figure in the history of this world that has known and loved the Lord.

God is not diminished by these figures, but we can become confused. I don't want my kids either feeling confused about whether Santa is real or not; that they can't see him, but there is some evidence of his presence, and feeling in the same way that God is someone they are told is real but they can't see him (in the same way we see other things). I had to find out later that truth is a difficult thing to pin down sometimes and not everything is as it appears. I don't know if they have the same need to pin things down as I did, my son probably does more than any other. How do we walk that line without sounding either confused, disingenuous or silly?

I think of it like this, take my blog as an example. If you read it, you have evidence I am here, stuff gets written, it tells stories of a persons life. I could be making it up, you would have to get to know me better in order to find out if I was the kind of person who makes up stories for fun or if I am reliable. You could just read my blog and enjoy it for what it is without looking any deeper. But if you wanted to know if I was real you would have to reach deeper, you'd have to reach out and contact me directly, get to know me on a personal level. Then you would know for sure that I was real and not just a computer generated program that simulates a person or a monkey whacking keys on a keyboard that happens to look like ablog, or whatever.

That's what God is like. You have a story about him but if you want to move beyond the story and know for sure, you have to get to know him personally. I think the most amazing thing about him is that he has made a promise to us that if we seek him we will be able to find him. Anyone who really wants to can get to know God. All you have to do is ask, really want it in your heart. He knows who is seeking him.

Jer 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

That is a promise, I have heard people say I don't know of any promises in the bible directed to me personally. Anything you can take to your heart and make your own can be a promise. God operates on faith, or he operates toward us on our faith. Sometimes he acts sovereignly but other times, it is our faith that drives what he is able to do in our lives. It is like opening a door, a little or a lot, and letting him act in our lives, how much we trust and believe what he says.

I'm ok letting Santa be, but I want to make sure that I and my kids know that Jesus is what we are celebrating. I want to let the spirit of generosity and compassion trickle deep into me, let it take root and develop a solid grasp on my heart. That is God's grip, not Santa's, and I pray that this Christmas as I open the door ever wider he will grab hold of me and never let me go.

It's almost Christmas

2006-12-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy with new job, I am still here. We are almost ready, and basically broke. But we are still kicking! I think we will make it. The job is hard, very busy, I feel like my brain is cold molasses, and it is slowly warming up but I have to push to make it work fast enough. It is more of an effort than it was 10 years ago.
I think about Christmas, so much goes into the big day, but really, God is here all the time, Jesus doesn't just come that day, and I am so glad for that. It is nice to remember the one day, but really, it isn't just that one day, we can remember that he is here, all the time. It is not just an historic event and now it's done, like, say, the 4th of July or the Columbus day storm. He was there then, is here now and will always be with us. Beloved Lord!

hehehe

2006-12-16T22:40:00.000-08:00

Swong, into the swwwwongggg of things, it even sounds smooth.

So much better

2006-12-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

I am feeling so much better. Zithromax is a wonderful thing, all except for what it does to your insides, if ya know what I mean. I am getting into the swong of the new job, but it was a rough start, mostly due to staffing problems the week I started. I don't mind so much that I had to fill in, I just felt huffy that they didn't even ask me if that was ok, or apologize for such a screwy first week. Noone likes being thrown to the lions.

On another note, my dearly departed husband is greatly missed. No he isn't dea, just MIA. He has to work 12 on 12 off, at this point, he works at night, to keep communications up at the power company while they get the power back on. We fared well, no damage, no outage, just a few brief flickers. It is cold this am, getting warmer,up to 38. It snowed briefly yesterday, while I was at work. Then it got sunny and melted. We have psycho weather here. The old saying, if you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes and it will change applies.

I am sorry that I am just not going to get much done as far as Christmasy things this year, I am so very busy in the new job, it takes a lot of time and discipline to keep up with the basics, and I am having to train the kids to help more. I made cards to send but have only sent 3. I just haven't had time to address the rest. Maybe today??

Money is so tight, I am holding my breath hoping we stay afloat until I start getting regular checks in, they have a 3-4 week delay in paydays, which means I get paid the 28th for work week ending the 8th, and won't see my first full check until Jan 11, and that will be for work through the end of next week. They don't have direct deposit so I have to swing by the bank after work to deposit my check, just one more thing. But, it is good to know that I will be making more money, we are so behind in everything it isn't even funny.

The kids seem to be holding up ok, although they will be home now for 2 weeks all day long while I am at work. I can forsee some problems related to that. I had planned on having the second week of Christmas break off this year but with the new job it won't be possible or advisable. Maybe next year?? The story of my life.

I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, a wealth of blessings in the new year, and a prayer that all would come to know God better and better each and everyday. He is our blessing, our blessed hope and our source of all that is good.